Exasperation & Condemnation vs. Holy Spirit Conviction in Parenting

As parents, we must make sure our children know the difference between us, and the Holy Spirit. (I'm speaking primarily of children ages 10-plus who have given their life to Christ and thus have the ability to understand the Holy Spirit and have His presence).

As moms and dads, we often so passionately desire to see change that we press, press, press our children. We pound. We cojule. We punish. We rant.

That doesn't look much like the Holy Spirit!

There is an easier and more effective way. Stick with me here; this is important!

In Paul's second letter to the Corinthians, chapter 7, he wrote, "For although I grieved you with my letter, I do not regret it -- even though I did regret it since I saw that the letter grieved you, though only for a little while. Now I am rejoicing, not because you were grieved, but because your grief led to repentance. For you were grieved as God willed, so that you didn't experience any loss from us. For Godly grief produces a repentance not to be regretted and leading to salvation, but worldly grief produces death."

Let's relate this to parenting.  Paul had written a letter in which he pointed out some sin to the Christians at Corinth. He says in essence, "I know it hurt your feelings, and it hurt mine to write it, but it was necessary."

When you speak to your children about sin -- a particular one, or a trait that is sin, or a sinful habit -- it is the same. You may 'hurt their feelings,' and it hurts yours to do it. But it is necessary. Why? Paul says, again paraphrased, "Because it caused you to repent. God used me to produce hurt in you that turned you to Him to solve the problem, and now you've done the right thing."

Listen -- this is crucial! While God absolutely uses you to instruct your children, be very, very mindful of the fact that once a child has accepted Christ and shown the seeds of repentance in an issues you are dealing with, the Holy Spirit is able to directly deal with Him.

This does not take all the responsibility for correction off of you, but it strongly repositions you to to allow Him to be more effective.

Once a child has reached this point, we must be especially careful not to exasperate and condemn them with verbal attacks and over-the-top discipline. So often when the child has shown the seed of repentance, we can simply go to the child as Paul did and calmly say, in essence, "Here's an action/attitude/habit I see recurring in you. You know it is sin and I see that the Holy Spirit dealing with you on it. I know you love Christ and I'm so thankful for that, and since He lives in you, I'm just pointing this out and telling you that I expect you to deal with Him on it right now, and I expect change."

Now, is it all that simple? Sometimes, but obviously not always. That child may ignore the urging of the Spirit through the parent, and you may have to issue consequences and be tougher. But try it. Let the Holy Spirit do His work.

As parents we must desire that the motive for right action by our children -- as children and later as adults -- is that it honors God, NOT merely that they will be punished by us if they don't act right, and NOT merely that they might hurt or offend us if they don't act right.

When they leave your home, your discpline won't be a motive. In most cases, even how they impact your 'feelings' won't be a motive because you won't see all. They must be accustomed to the conviction and counsel of the Holy Spirit. They cannot be accustomed to this if we as parents do not put them in the position to hear from and respond to Him.

Parenting this way -- again, once they a) know Christ; b) understand the Holy Spirit (you much teach them!), c) have shown the seeds of repentance -- is so very freeing! As a teen or pre-teen increases in responsiveness to the Spirit, your job is so much easier as you feel less 'emotional weight,' less stress to 'be God to them,' which is what many of us try to unwittingly do when we don't let the Spirit do His work.

There is balance in this. The pre-conditions of the previous paragraph are vital. I am not suggesting you abdicate your God-given role as parent. But the Spirit is capable of moving your children to genuine repentance and change.

How did it turn out when Paul led this way? The passage continues, "For consider how much diligence this very thing -- this grieving as God wills -- has produced in you: what a desire to clear yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what deep longing, what zeal, what justice! In every way you have commended yourself to be pure in this matter."

That's what I want to be able to say about my children!

Kids' Fear Homes Falling Apart, But the Word Has an Answer!

A recent anonymous polling of the concerns of a large group of middle schoolers in a youth worship service revealed that the biggest issue on most of their minds were a) the security of their home; b) Dad's.

In other words, many middle school students sense the instability in their homes -- many actually fearing it will break apart -- and many see major concerns with their fathers. (Experientially, I see no reason why the data would be any different for high school students).

While the students may not realize it, those two are essentially the same concern. It all starts with leadership, and in the two-parent home, that means with Dad.

As I was contemplating this information and preparing to teaching my Equippers of Middle Schoolers class, the Holy Spirit gave me two passages to unpack: 2 Chronicles 7:14 and Ephesians 5:22-26.

Before we look at their implication for the home, every parent or set of parents should challenge themselves with these, related, question: Is this home stable? Is the marriage secure? Are we built on rock or sand? Is this an emotionally and spiritually safe place?

These are healthy and harmless things to ask. The parent(s) that come away feeling confident that they are largley 'on track' in their walk are simply reassured in the Spirit. Everyone else will know work is needed.

And the work begins with revival. 'Revival' in the typical, Southern, evangelical culture is a funny thing. A sad thing, but a funny thing. So many churches have 'revivals' with no real goal for what they are seeking (an evangelistic outreach, or a revival of the church?). Pastors and deacons cry out, begging God to 'send revival.' This is totally unnecessary. God told us exactly how to have revival. He is not always a God of formulas, but in the case of revival, He is. And the formula works at home as well as in the church body.

But before the formula (7:14), let's look at the context. The Lord told Solomon, recorded in v. 13, "When I shut up heaven and there is no rain, or command the locusts to devour the land, or send pestilence among my people"

In other words, when things are bad, when it appears my hand is not on you, do this:

"If My people who are called by my name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land."

Daddys, your land is your home, your family. I believe the above will apply to families. When you know you are unstable, lead your family in repentance, and let it start with you! You must:

a) humble yourself. No cocky, I've-got-it-figured-out, I'm-the-boss mentality. Return to your Lord in humilty. Let your family see it, too!
b) Pray, and seek His face. I think it says "seek my face" to help us understand that our God doesn't want a rote, religious, here's-my-list-of-stuff-for-you-to-do prayer. He wants intimate fellowship, two-way communication, face-down-heart-up prayer.
c) Through a) and b) you'll be made away of what to repent of, then you must "turn from (your) wicked ways."

Folks, if any daddy, or single mommy, will do this, revival will come to that home! Forgiveness will come. Healing will begin. Emotional bondage will reduce or be eliminated. Stress will decline. The power of the Holy Spirit will begin to flow.

You notice that the best way for this to work is for Daddy to lead. That takes us to the other passage God told me to teach: Ephesians 5:22-26.

This passage speaks of the God-ordained role of husband and wife, and how they are to execute those roles. When we get those roles out of order, the whole thing messes up. Perhaps the biggest real reason kids think their families are falling apart is because Dad's have abdicated their role, and Mom is the spiritual leader. Or there is none. Or Mom is embittered because Dad has abandoned the role. It gets pretty complex emotionally.

The Word tells us the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is head of the church, and that he is to love her as Christ loved the church and as he loves his own body. If a man really did that, a woman would never have issue with her position! If a man really did that -- love his wife as Christ loved the church (sacrifically, her interests first, gently but firmly) -- there would be profound stability and safety in the home.

Furthermore, an illustration used is that Christ sanctifies and cleanses the church by the washing her with the Word. This is the way it is to be at home, too! Husbands, sanctify and cleanse your home by teaching and praying the Word of God over your family daily. Let it be central. By instruction to you to give them, and by direct revelation, the Holy Spirit will use the word to cleanse and sanctify your family!

And yet the church today has even made this hard for man, implicitly posturing ourselves (ordained men, elders, teachers) as the experts who must teach the Word. No, daddy's must teach the Word! The Holy Spirit is there to help you. Pastors and books and many helps are there to assist, but Daddy's must deliver the Word.

In short, the stability of the home today does not rest in some complicated psychology or complex process. There are many books out there about the family (I wrote one), but the answer does not come from books, but from The Book, and the simple, direct, powerful instruction it gives that will transform.

We need to repent, and we need to keep or make the order in the home what God said it should be.

Pardon me if I'm a simple man, but I do think it is that simple.

Do You Know How Powerful He is in You?

"Now to Him Who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen." -- Ephesians 3:20 (ESV)

The New King James says, "exceedingly abundantly above all." Can't you just imagine Paul ,the earthly writer of this text, hearing the thought from the Holy Spirit and trying to get it into words? What joyous frustration to try to express how totally and incomprehensibly our Perfect God can transform things. Paul did the best he could -- and God annointed it as the Word -- when he put down a string of adjectives that were still not enough.

Indeed, our God can do "far more abundantly than all we ask or think" in any situation in our lives. Come up with your best-case solution to all problems. Come up with your vision for the maximine impact He could make through you. God can top that!

How? "According to the power at work within us." Who is that? The Holy Spirit. Are you getting that GOD LIVES IN YOU by the Spirit? Or are you going about life with a religious non-power, a self-made, slightly hopeful effort that if you beg God long enough and wear yourself out enough you might make a dent of good in this world? The Spirit of God is in you!

Go live like it. Give Him the glory all the time. It will bring glory to God, to the church, and will impact eternity. Believe the Word. Share in Paul's healthy frustration of trying to expressing His power by experiencing Him so powerfully you don't even know how to say it!

Ministering with Laser Focus

Do you believe in a God who is able to re-arrange circumstances and position you to do what He has called you to do? If not, you will never do that thing.

I believe we should all minister with laser focus, seeking to do exactly what God has passionately put on our hearts to do. Do you know what it is? Do you know your spiritual shape? Your shape is your spiritual gifts, heart, ability, personality and experience, which combine to give you more than a very strong clue what you are made to do. (See S.H.A.P.E., Eric Rees with Rick Warren)

Are you telling the leaders of your church and those you know in ministry what is that shape? (Or letting them help you discover it?) Are you seeking to re-arrange (prioritize, focus, train, etc.) in such a way that you can carry out your purpose?

Don’t live a half-hearted cultural Christianity that whines, ‘I think I’d be good at X, but I just can’t seem to find a place to serve.’ Garbage!

Or that whines, ‘I’d serve God more if I just had some special gift, but I don’t.’ You deny the truth of the Word to think such a thing!

YOU were created to consistently make an impact on a lost world in at least one significant way. Search it out. Then act on it. Live with a laser focus. Jesus did. And if you know Him, He lives in -- and through! -- you.

Relationship Building -- Just Be There!

The old saying, 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder' might have very limited, practical application in romantic relationships, but if applied to parenting it is a bonafide disaster.

As we approach Thanksgiving, and then Christmas (in reality, it has all rolled into one, so much so that the business world from this week on says, 'Get back to me in the new year'), my strong encouragement is to be with your children.

I don't mean to merely be present. I mean to be in relationship with them. Pastor Sager said Sunday, "When you're in love, presence communicates; you don't always need words." The same is true in some instances with parenting -- you don't always have to be 'having a talk' or working on a school project. They just want to be with us as we do . . . well, whatever we do! Decorating the tree or the house. Fixing a meal (I know it would be easier to do it yourself, but it wouldn't be better).

As the maddening busyness of the holidays begins to take over your calendar, mind and emotions, take control and create relational time with each of your immediate family members. Plan times of nothing but being together. Or, plan times of being together in an activity that does not require so much of the mind that you functionally don't know you're together. Plan one-on-ones with the kids (and the spouse).

Go see 'Christmas Carol' and 'The Blindside' as a family, then talk about them, laugh about the funny parts, flesh out any life lessons in each.

If you don't take control of your holidays, they will stress you, stress your children, perpetuate the American Cultural Serve-Me Stuff Grab, and widening the relational gap between you and the ones you love most.

Don't let it happen.

Links & Quotes

• This is good stuff! A great way to build relationship with and connect deeply with your child, especially 10s-to-14s. http://impulsivejoy.blogspot.com/2009/11/tell-me-story.html
• Great conversation starter over Thanksgiving: What do you want to be known for? Check this out. http://blog.stocksohio.com/2009/11/17/what-do-you-want-to-be-known-for-another-jacob-moment/
• Google goes safe for your kids. http://uptownkids.tv/wordpress/?p=2234
• "I must learn life’s lessons today in order to experience life’s successes tomorrow. Success tastes best when you pass those lessons on." -- from @MikeLandry on Twitter.
• "A true friend is the one who walks into the room when everyone else is walking out." -- from @IkeReighard.
• "A true disciple inquires not whether a fact is agreeable to his own reason, but whether it is in The Book." - Adoniram Judson, via @JoshuaHarris

Preserved By God

"Preserve me, O God, for in You I put my trust." -- Psalm 16:1

Isn't that a great way to start your week? By calling out to God to preserve you, and affirming your trust in Him?

To preserve something means to keep it from decay, to keep it from 'ruining.' I don't want to ruin! I want to live in power for Jesus! The world is decaying -- I don't want to keep up with the world! Man's mind is decaying. The moral and ethical standard is decaying. Man is off-center, missing the mark (sinning!).

Instead, you and I want to be preserved.

You've probably eaten 'preserves' before, often meaning a jam or jelly that your mother or grandmother may have preserved. What do you do to preserve something? You put it in something that will

• Protect from the outside
• Maintain (preserve) it's freshness and and quality

That's what we want for the Life of Christ in us! We should ask our Father to protect us from the outside, from the temptations and attacks that could diminish our ruin the quality of character and gifts God has given us, and thus render us useless.

There are approximately 18 Hebrew words used to 'preserve' and they all have a different inkling. This one, 'Shamar' is overwhelmingly interpreted to mean 'to keep,' 'to observe' and 'to guard,' thus translated 'preserve.' The theme of God's protection of His chosen people is overwhelming in the Old Testament, with 440 forms of reference to preserving.

If you know Christ, God has put in you purpose, peace, power, spiritual giftedness. Let's go forward this week knowing we are protected and thus empowered to impact everyone around us.

How to Raise Thankful Children, Part I

Define Thankfulness
Give some serious thought and come up with your own answer.
Mine: Expressed appreciation and evident valuing of a blessing
Expressed because it should be stated, but evident because many people express insincerely. In other words, one should show his thankfulness by his life

James MacDonald, in his excellent book, 'Lord, Change My Attitude', says, “Thankfulness is the attitude that perfectly displaces my sinful tendency to complain and thereby releases joy and blessing into my life.”

Luke 17:11-19
“Now it happened as He went to Jerusalem that He passed through the midst of Samaria and Galilee. Then as He entered a certain village there met Him ten men who were lepers, who stood afar off. And they lifted up their voices and said, ‘Jesus, Master, have mercy of us!’ So when He saw them He said to them, ‘Go, show yourselves to the priests.’ And so it was that as they went, they were cleansed. And one of them, when he saw that he was healed, returned, and with a loud voice glorified God, and fell down on his face at His feet, giving Him thanks. And he was a Samaritan. So Jesus answered and said, ‘Were there not ten cleansed? But where are the nine? Were there not any found who returned to give glory to God except this foreigner?’ And He said to him, ‘Arise, go your way. Your faith has made you well.’ “

Thankfulness Is Engendered by Genuine Obedience
But as this story shows, Obedience isn’t always Genuine

Jesus tells them to go show themselves to the priests (they had to do this to have permission to go back to their families), so they headed off in that direction. “as they went” they were cleansed. Game over for nine of them!

Nine lepers displayed temporary, pragmatic obedience. This is often what our children do, and frankly, often what WE do. They obeyed up to the point that they got what they wanted, then they were done with Jesus, done with the leader, the authority, the parent, etc.

We must teach and demand obedience from our children, not just because we are the authority – though that is true – but because it engenders the qualities that lead to real thankfulness

How? By giving value to authority, to leadership, to power, and thus giving context that engenders thankfulness. Have you ever seen a thankful disobedient child or person?

Humility is a Pre-Requisite for Obedience
“And one of them, when he saw” . . .

We must see with obedience and humility that gives context to life. He saw a contrast. He saw that he was a leper but now was healed. He realized he could go to his family, if he had a wife and kids, he could touch them. He didn’t have to live the humiliation of yelling ‘unclean’ everywhere he went.

The other nine lepers were self-focused. Their obedience was not genuine; well, it may have been genuine but it was genuinely self-serving! The disingenuous person is rarely thankful. Sincerity isn’t evident in his life, because his life is about himself.

We must teach about humility. That starts by showing some! Study it. Observe it. Point it out. Let many teachable moments be about humility.

Humility and Obedience lead to Thankfulness
This is the obvious conclusion once the issue is studied, though on the surface, they might not be obvious qualities related to humility

“when he saw that he was healed, returned, and with a loud voice glorified God, and fell down on his face at His feet, giving Him thanks”

And Jesus told Him
“your faith has made you well”

The first nine didn’t leave significantly better off; they were still self-serving, they were still lepers on the inside
The genuinely obedient and humble man was changed -- outside and inside

When the Holy Spirit Intercedes in Parenting

I love it when the Holy Spirit does the parenting -- it really takes me off the hook, and makes my error margin ZERO!

This recently happened when I was dealing with one of our girls. Stick with me -- this is an important illustration of something I hope happens much more! The 14-year-old has a particular unhealthy bent that borders on sin. She did four things in a three-day period that related to this unhealthy bent. I could have given her a stern lecture, been exactly and Biblically right, and gotten back a defensive, stiff look. In doing so, progress would have been neglible, if any.

But the Holy Spirit got my attention. As I was contemplating how to deal with it, He said, "I'll handle this." I said, "What?" He repeated, then expanded, "I'll handle this. You just put the issue before her, and tell her to deal with me on it."

Let's pause here. This only works if your child a) knows Christ, and b) exhibits a desire for spiritual growth (i.e., you see evidence of a walk with Christ).

Because this child/woman had shown me enough evidence of a walk, because I know she loves the Lord even though she is imperfect (as I am), I could believe that she would willingly hear from the Holy Spirit about her actions/attitude.

So I sat her down, and in a gracious tone of voice (that doesn't always happen . . . .) said, "You are not in trouble with me, and I do not request a response from you on what I'm about to say. I want to say four things (four statements of the four things she'd done over three days), then I simply want you to put those things before the Father and deal with them, OK?" She readily agreed (beats getting chewed out and punished!). I said what I had to say, and told her we were finished with the issue.

Instead of taking my 'easy out' and walking away, she asked why I handled it that way. This was a great chance for affirmation! I said, "One, I'm growing in my trust of My Father to be your Father. He sometimes tells me to let Him handle it. Now, you may not ever use that against me -- most often He uses me or mom  to speak to you. Two, I can see that you love the Lord, that you hunger for His truth, and therefore I increasingly believe you will listen to the Holy Spirit when He speaks."

I am not naive enough to think we'll never see the issue again, but my point is that I believe (especially from comments she made later) that the Holy Spirit had already dealt with her, and that I (in a rare win!) successful avoided exasperating the child, while showing faith in God.

I hope that's useful to someone.

Great Quotes, Links, Info

• So solid, a must read! http://www.shepherdshillfarm.org/blog/how-parents-can-enable-troubled-teens-to-be-troubled/
• This particular post is about discerning the 'lost' from the 'saved;' or, to be more precise, the danger in trying to do that. It is not directly relevant to parenting, but is so powerful I wanted to share it, for those interested in the subject. http://www.graceforlife.com/2006/04/tare-police.html
• Interesting site for parents of troubled teens. Might be relevant to you, or worth keeping, or something to refer to someone else. http://www.christiantroubledteens.co.cc/
• Great thought from Dr. Don Whitney, discipleship guru from Southern Seminary: "Some of the most important changes in my life occurred when I thought to ask, What does the Bible say about this?' The way I spend the Lord's Day, for example, and my thinking about what activities please God in worship were dramatically changed when I purposed to study what God's Word said about those matters.
  Far more often than we do, Christians should ask such questions. In our relationships, finances, use of time, priorities, parenting, simplifying, and everything else, we should more quickly ask, "What does the Bible say about this?"
  
• "I'm afraid this generation is spending less and less time praying because we've made ourselves so busy." -Francis Chan
  
• "'Propitiation' for kids: Its where you were going to get spanked & Jesus put his butt in the way "  --Mike of Tenth Ave North
  
• This has to be on your kitchen board: "The more self-centered I am, the more unsatisfied I'll be." -- Rick Warren
  
  
  
  

Leaders -- Whom Are You Addressing, & How?

Do you ever skip the preamable to epistles? I've done that. Bad idea. In many of them, it is more than, 'Hi guys, it's me, Paul (or whomever).'

Take Jude, for instance. "Jude, a bondservant of Jesus Christ, and a brother of James, to those who are called, sanctified by God the Father, and preserved in Jesus Christ: Mercy, pleace and love be multiplied to you." (v.s 1-2)

1 -- Jude was a bondservant of Jesus Christ. You are too!
2 -- Jude was teaching the church, 'the called.' You are too!
3 -- The condition of the 'called' was 'sanctified' and 'preserved' in Jesus Christ. That is, they were in the process of growth and were held for eternity. This is an important perspective to remember when teaching. We must know our audience! It's spiritual condition, and it's level of maturity. Study it, make application on their level (or it's not application), but remember their eternal condition. They are His, and His Spirit is in them to help illuminate what you teach. You are literally working in conjunction with the Holy Spirit, if led by Him.
4 -- Jude wanted to impart to his readers, his 'class', his 'Bible Fellowship'

• Mercy. Always show 'mercy' toward your people. God granted it to you and me; let's teach in a 'merciful' mindset, not as one with 'religious truth' to pound people with.
• Peace. There is nothing more foreign to our American Culture, including American Christian Culture, than peace! Show them how Jesus gave peace (by the Spirit, and not as the world does)
• Love. There is nothing more misunderstood in our culture than 'love.' Teach them what Biblical love -- Jesus love -- is (actively and tenderly choosing someone's elses best interest over your own).

Everything in Scripture is, well, Scripture! It is of value. Thanks for making a difference.

How God Spoke through a Dog

Hey, if God can do donkies . . . Seriously, here is a great message from Linda Byrd, responding to my blog post about some people having more intimacy with their dog than with God. Linda writes, "On 10/8/09 my precious 5 month old English Springer Spaniel went missing out of my backyard. I thought my heart would literally break inside of me. I searched for her everywhere for 3 days. (this was durning our Mission Expo) I called for her. I looked for her. If you were out in your yard I stopped and asked if you had seen my puppy and told you all the particulars. I began to bargain with God, I'll pray more, I'll do my devotions without fail just bring her home and oh yeah, thank you Lord for not taking one of my children to get my attention, just my puppy that I had waited on for 17 years. On 10/10/09 I searched again in the only area that I thought she could be and saw a huge coyote. My heart sank and I felt sick. I began to say that someone must have her at their house and at least she was safe. On Sunday night, the end of Expo, we were singing a song that I can not remember when out of no where I felt a great impression of the following: "You say you love Me with all your heart and You say you know of My saving grace, how is it you can talk to totally strangers and friends about finding your dog, but can't even bother to tell them I love them."


I went home and left the porch light on, the fence gate open and the back porch door open for the 3 night in a row. I wondered how much longer would I do this ritual since she was not coming home. I went to bed with a little less sadness, and wondering how to tell others about Jesus more.

Monday morning at 5 a.m., my husband Todd got up, fixed coffee, looked on the back porch and the next sound I heard was dog toenails on linoleum. One of the sweetest sounds I have heard since the first breath of my children. My puppy was home! God used my dog to show me where I lacked for Him. I still struggle with how and when to speak to someone about Jesus, but I am trying and I am using my puppy to do so."

God is Dog Backward & Some Relate Better to the Dog

So many among the American Cultural Christians of our day have more intimacy with their dog than Jesus. Think about it. They pet the dog, speak sweetly to the dog, snuggle the dog, maybe even sleep with it. The dog is a direct comfort to them. I see some poor folks in the world who can't do relationships with people, so they have dogs. Or cats.

How is it that we can't effectively have a relationship with a Being Who says, "I know you completely, I forgive you of everything you've ever done wrong or will do wrong, and I love you completely?" On a purely pragmatic level, isn't that a great deal? Isn't that unconditional love?

This is the same God who has broken down all the religious barriers (though we keep resurrecting them) to Himself and granted us total access. Think of the people to whom you'd like to have total access, or the events to which you'd like to have an all access pass? The president. The oval office. A major CEO. Billy Graham. The Super Bowl.

Yet we have access into the Holy of Holies. When Jesus surrendered His Spirit, the veil in the temple was torn, and no longer did a priest (his ankles tied to a rope in case he had sinned!) have to go in (and only once a year and under very precise conditions) for us. No, we were declared priets, given access. Religion was destroyed. Relationship was established. God gives a second chance. We win!

Unless we stay outside. Unless we prefer our religious rites, that make us feel a little better for a very little while but leave us hungry and unchanged.

Even now, when a Christ follower doesn't know to pray, what to pray, or is even too lazy to pray, the Holy Spirit is interceding with groanings we cannot understand. Jesus is sittting at the right hand of the Father interceding. Get this: two-thirds of the Trinity is interceding with the other third on your behalf constantly!

And we won't talk to Him hardly, apart from throwing up a list (which makes Him want to throw up). Apart from a Hail Mary (pun intended) pass. Or maybe at the dinner table (but be quick, before the food gets cold), or at the start of a religious meeting, which is often nothing more than, well, a religious meeting.

I cannot imagine how empty, pointless and frustrating life would be if I knew I could not speak directly with God the Father -- and more importantly, hear directly from God the Father.

I love my dog. He's a cute little fellow. But I prefer a real relationship. I challenge you to go deeper with God. Enter the Holy of Holies. Sit. Listen. Talk some, but please, mostly listen. He thinks you are incredible. He loves you more than your dog does. And He wants to hang out.

How to Raise Prosperous Children

“This book of the law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, that you may observe to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:8-9

Prosperous → xlc → tsalach → to advance, succeed, be profitable

“For then you will make your way prosperous,
And then you will have good success”

‘Then’ indicates a condition(s) preceeding. The conditions, and the process of teaching raising prosperous children:

Teach Them the Word of God
 “This book of the law shall not depart from your mouth”

Listen to what comes out of a person’s mouth, and you will know A LOT about them. Critical, depressed, positive, negative, uplifting, optimistic . . . .spend a little time around someone, and you’ll know. This instruction suggest that what should be in/on/out of our mouth is the Word of God.

That doesn’t mean you’re an obnoxious religious zealot who has to force a Scripture reference out of your mouth every other sentence. It means that you speak truth, and that in doing so the Word of God is common in your language.

You can’t do that – your children can’t do that – without knowing the Word of God

Help Them Understand the Word of God
”You shall meditate on it day and night”

That means study it, contemplate it, contextualize it.

This is one of the greatest challenges we face in our growth, and in leading our children. We and they hear a Bible verse, but what do we do with it?

Teach Them to Obey The Word of God
“that you may observe to do according to all that is written in it”

This won’t be so hard if steps one and two are in order!

Remember that Scripture? Remember how we said it applies to life? That means now.

Then the Promise↓

“For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success”

Summary Statement→The Word of God simply tells us that if we learn the Word, focus on the Word so that we understand its context, and obey the Word, we will succeeed.

Note the passage twice says “you.”
The first “you” indicates a personal choice – the onus is on the person learning.
The second “you” says “you will make your way prosperous”

YOU. Not God. The child, not God, not the parent. YOU.

Now all blessing flow from God, and He deserves the glory, no doubt. But I believe this “you” indicates that the choice for prosperity – at least in some aspects of life – is that of the individual, BECAUSE IF he learned, understood and obeyed the Word, he would be in the center of God’s will and blessing!

Is that where you want your children?

To learn, understand and obey the Word – that is, to LIVE IT OUT – must be challenging in any culture, because the Word says next, “Be strong and courageous; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Hence the fourth instruction.

Teach Them to not Wilt Under Pressure
We must stand firm in the truth and teach our children to. How? By putting them in positions, small at first, to courageously live out the truth. The challenges will grow large rather naturally as they grow up.

Then another Promise↓
“Be strong and courageous; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” This is literal and figurative. If you know the Word, He is with you in that you know His truth and can state it. But in Acts 2 the Holy Spirit came, and for us modern-day believers, He is literally with us 1) reminding us of the Word; 2) making it make sense for us; 3) counseling us; 4) comforting us; 5) giving us peace; 6) giving us power.

Key Relevant Question↓
Where does learning, contextualizing and obeying the Word of God lead us? What does it mean ‘to prosper’?

I think to ‘prosper’ in our life would mean to live in the center of God’s will. That’s where He is. That’s where He wants us. That’s where “good works He has planned in advance for us” reside, the things He wants to do in us – and in our children – that will reveal Him and bring Him glory and transform other lives.

So in essence this instruction is about being in God’s will.

But we see in our ‘church culture’ very few people actually walking in the center of God’s will. Why? Simple disobedience. Profound self-focus.

Francis Chan, in his new book, Forgotten God writes that we shouldn’t be fussing with ourselves and God over His will, but instead should “seek hard after the Spirit’s leading in my life today.”

One day at a time following His instructions/leadings for that day will lead you squarely to the center of God’s will.

THE Key Question
What place have God and His Word in your life?

‘Cultural Christianity’, which is what most everybody you know lives, suggests we have a ‘balance life.’ Chan writes, “Nowhere in Scripture do I see a ‘balanced life with a little bit of God added in . . . yet when I look at our churches this is exactly what I see: a lot of people who have added Jesus to their lives. People who have, in a sense, asked Him to join them on their life journey, to follow them wherever they feel they should go, rather than following Him as we are commanded.”

How does all this relate to parenting? Do you want to raise ‘cultural Christians’ to use God as a magic genie-bailout-crutch, or do you want to raise prosperous children who live in the center of God’s will?

There is a difference between facilitating our children’s desires and guiding them into worthy desires. You are doing one or the other, depending on whether you are teaching them to Biblically prosper or prosper in the world’s way.

It Takes Guts to Parent

It takes guts to parent.

It takes guts to parent because it takes guts to make hard decisions that the people you love most won't always like. Many emotionally needy parents become, in essence, bad parents because they cannot stand NOT be in a constant state of acceptance by their children, even though the appearance of not being accepted or loved is usually only very surface.

 Many parents become bad parents because they can't face their own emotions, and thus are stiff and mechanical with their children.

It takes guts to parent because you are the one that has to stand firm when everything seems to be falling apart.

It takes guts because your convictions about parenting and those of your spouse, if you're married, will conflict at times.

It takes guts because if you are a Christian parent, you are swimming upstream in the culture, so you have to say 'no' to your children more, and 'no' to people, institutions, teachers, etc., in the world more.

It takes guts because if you are a reasonably well-studied Christ follower, though you know we are victorious eternally, you also see that the world your children and grandchildren are going to live in will be a hard, hard place.

It takes guts to parent because to face your child, you have to face you, and you haven't been satisfied with you yet because you see all the yuck in you, and if you don't let the blood of Christ cover you daily, you'll mess this up!

So what do you do with that? Have guts. Make the hard calls. Love the hard love. Be tender when everyone else is hard. How? By giving up -- throwing in the towel! -- in your effort and letting Him take over. By minute-by-minute surrender, by deciding to do the hard stuff before you totally know how to do the hard stuff, knowing you're going to go forward in full armour, facing the enemy, in prayer.

It works. Have guts.

You Can Teach Your Kids The Word

Rick Warren writes, "Jesus taught profound truth in simple ways.We do the opposite. Many 'deep' teachers are actually just muddy!It's arrogance."

How does that relate to you? Easy. Don't let the 'church culture' fool subtly (and likely unintentionally) fool you into thinking you have to have a degree or be a formal teacher in order to be effective in shaping your children's lives with the Gospel. Note what Jesus said, and how He said it. Repeat it to them in terms every bit as simple. Jesus was all about simple. Powerful, but simple. That's how we lead our kids.


Links, Blackboard Material, Etc.

• Any of you blended families want to check this out and give me some feedback? http://www.blendedfamilyadvice.com/oct27blendedandstepfamilynewsletter
• Teach this one to your kids! " Opportunity is often missed because it is dressed in overalls and looks a lot like work." Thomas Edison, via @davidlandrith on twitter.
• In my parent teaching, we talk a lot about genuine intimacy. In that context: "An intimate place is like my cupped hand. Neither totally open or closed, it is the space where growth can take place~H.Nouwen para J.Vanier
• Very practical tips for stress-free parenting: http://glynniswhitwer.blogspot.com/2009/09/10-tips-for-stress-less-parenting.html
• Insight, not endorsement, here on issue of 'yelling' as the new 'spanking.' I do not agree with the cultural norm against spanking, nevertheless there is value in consideration of this subject:  http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/22/fashion/22yell.html?_r=1
• "Our kids want us more than stuff. If we thought about it, we want them more than stuff too. Fight for a relationship, not stuff." -- via Diane Runge (@dlrunge on twitter)

The (Unfortunately) Rare Mix of Worship and Teaching

Fellow Worship Leaders,

Yes, I said 'worship leaders,' though most of you are Bible Fellowship teachers. But if you and I lead properly, we are leading our people into worship! This message was driven home in my heart earlier today in a staff meeting, through dialogue with much of the team and Jeff Lawrence in particular.

The first key for preparation for your teaching is your personal worship. Jeff reminded us "your private (time with God) becomes public, but your public never becomes private."

In other words, you and I must teach from the resevoir of  a) the effort of our study; b) the illumination in that study by the Holy Spirit. All of that is arrived out through time alone with God, which includes study, reflection, prayer and simply "being still and know(ing) I (He) is God.

When we've prepared this way, we enter the teaching setting as a worshipper leading others in worship.  (And all worship leaders must be WORSHIPping or they are ACTing). Too often we think of worship as 'singing.' (and most of us don't need to be leading singing!). But in reality worship takes many forms.

So how might you take the people you lead into greater worship? Ask the Holy Spirit, but much of it has to do with the tone you set, the words you use and the way you use them. To worship God corporately in prayer means to have a closer encounter, not necessarily a longer list. In study it means to dwell upon His Word, let it wash over us, unpack it's deep meaning, rather than make quick application and move on. In 'body ministry' it means to stop everything and pray over a hurting person or couple, asking and actually expecting the Holy Spirit to intervene and literally make a difference. It is mysterious enough that I have a hard time explaining it, but plain enough that I know what it is not!

Ask yourself, 'What does 'worshiping God' look like,' and how can I lead my group into it?
For all the difficult of pinning that down, I know this: worshipping God in a Bible Fellowship or small group teaching setting doesn't look like rotely reading a lesson prepared somewhere else by somebody else, and declaring it a spiritual growth tool. Without the Holy Spirit and serious contemplation, such a lesson is merely words on a page!  Instead, worship is something more personal, raw, Spirit-engaging and intimate.

Worship at home alone. Worship with your family. Lead worship where you lead. The difference is the difference between God encounters, and mere religion.

Our Monday Choice

It's Monday morning, and you and I have a choice: complain, or conform (to His image).

I'm reading a fine book by James MacDonald, 'Lord, Change My Attitude.' He writes a lot about the complaining of the Israelites, and how it got them stuck in the desert for 40 years.

Numbers 11:1, "And the people complained in the hearing of the Lord about their misfortunes, and when the Lord heard it, His anger was kindled, and the fire of the Lord burned among them and consumed some outlying parts of the camp."

Do you want to be encouraged today and this week, or discouraged? Do you want to be an encourager, or discourager? It will all depend on whether you complain.

If you know Christ, you will spend eternity with our Father in heaven. On earth, you have the Holy Spirit for comfort and counsel. Those combined facts should result in a hardy, "I have no complaint!" from us!

Complaining belittles God because it attacks His sovereignty and shows no faith in His Spirit's guidance. Complaining drags others down. Complaining sets a "me, me, me" tone that is shrill to the ears of all around us and to the heart of God.

Count your many blessings (1 by 1!), I'll count mine, and let's encourage one another, as long as it is called today.

Equippers Newsletter -- Shorter Version, Just a few Snippets

• "He never thought he cared so much about the second hand . . . " -- From '33 Miles' One Life to Love. Your seconds count! Your minutes count! Love your children. Engage your family. Teach. Make - time - matter.
• "That man is lost, that man is cursed, who can find time for anything, but none to meet with God in is closet." Thomas Brooks, via @JohnPiper on Twitter. Do your kids know how to 'get in the closet with God.' Do you? Are you teaching them? Being still and hearing God -- communing with Him -- is utterly vital to knowing His will, receiving His peace, and having His power. We'll do some teaching on this.
• "Our kids want us more than stuff. If we thought about it, we want them more than stuff too. Fight for a relationship, not stuff," via @dlrunge on Twitter. 'Stuff' season - Christmas - is coming. Make some determinations now about the stuff/relationship balance, and how your schedule and finances will be effected by a God-centered adjustment.
• "Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry." Bill Cosby. OK, this one has no point but I thought it was funny.

The Bible & Dating -- What Have They to do With Each Other

What does the Bible say about dating?
Nothing in particular, but much in principle.

Our challenge as parents is to draw out the principles in the Word of God and apply them to life, in this case, to dating.

Some Biblically Discerned Principles for Dating

• We must not view dating as the world does.

“For if, after they have escaped the pollutions of the world through the knowledge of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they are again entangled in them and overcome, the latter end is worse for them than the beginning.”¬ – 2 Peter 2:20

Carefully consider and discuss as parents how the world views dating, then contrast it to the Word of God, and adjust your guidelines per.
The world ‘dates around’ for ‘fun.’ ‘Fun’ leads down all sorts of dangerous paths.

Young people of the opposite sex should be around each for the purpose of a) non-romantic friendship; or b) discovering their character for the purpose of consideration of marriage

Re-phrased, the principles of the Word of God would strongly suggest there should be no recreational dating. We as parents should not endorse that they get some practice for marriage. To be more accurate, Biblical dating might best be called courting, to distinguish intent.

↓Recreational Dating Defined↓

† Dating with no interest in long-term commitment
† Dating with a more goal of pleasant companionship in mind (that’s call friendship and is honorable apart from dating; friendship guidelines is a separate discussion)
† Dating with status in mind (parents, watch out for this one!), because everyone else has a boy/girlfriend.
† Dating with the point being to meet emotional needs (perhaps valid needs, mostly met the wrong way).

Key note→ Recreational Dating promotes easy-in, easy-out, serve-me-first philosophy of life. Kids ‘break up’ over the slightest of slights, on impulse. This has impacted the divorce rate today, where being unhappy somehow qualifies as a factor in maintaining marriage.

• A teen must find out if the person has been ‘born again’ and is committed foremost to Christ. John 3:3-8, Nicodemus story.

“Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bond-servant, and coming in the likeness of men.” ¬ -- Philippians 2:5-7

Victor’s translation→ “Think like Christ, Who was God, but didn’t try to attain the position of God. Instead he took the lowest position and served the lowest people.”

• We cannot marry an unbeliever (2 Corinthains 6:14-15).

Thus there is no reason to date one. This must be non-negotiable. There are no ‘outs,’ no excuses, no reasons. The challenge becomes, in teen friendships, where to draw the line between outreach and an inappropriate association. But that line isn’t even in question with regard to dating, and is for another conversation.

We’re not merely talking about making sure they ‘go out’ with a ‘church-going’ kid, but one who is genuinely expresses a love for Christ and shows a passion for spiritual growth.

• In all relationships, we must love the Lord above all else. Matthew 10:37-38 and many others.

When you see a relationship taking the highest place, over God, insist on and coach for an adjustment, and, if necessary, disallow the relationship. (With the difficulty of doing and enforcing this duly noted).

Until our children learn to have their deepest needs satisfied by the Lord (which they primarily must learn by you modeling it), they will seek that satisfaction elsewhere, in their immaturity not recognizing the shallow and errant nature of what they are receiving. When we see our children satisfied in romantic relationship in a way that only the Holy Spirit should satisfy, we have some coaching/adjusting/re-boundary-setting to do.

I am not saying that if you see a teenager showing satisfaction at being in a Godly relationship with a Godly person, something needs to change. I mean when that relationship is taking place, time, or energy that is being diverted from God. If a teen is putting a romantic interest ahead of God, he or she is practicing idolatry (Galatians 5:20; Colossians 3:5). YOU, parents, are the time management tool for your child. You can’t redirect their emotional energy, but you can re-direct who they are with and when.

How can you help re-direct focus from a person to Christ and keep the relationship?

How about having fellowship with the teen and their friend in the context of studying and applying the Word. Put them on your turf, then model behavior/focus.

• We cannot have premarital sex (1 Cor. 6:9, 13; 2 Tim. 2:22). It should be obvious that the issue is not as simple as saying, ‘Kids, just don’t have sex.’

We have to a) define sex. b) establish how far they can go in personal contact.
We will discuss this at length next week and/or the next.

The Bare Minimum Guidelines

1. No fornication (sexual activities) before marriage,
2. No adultery (cheating) inside a relationship, and
3. No dating a non-Christian

That's the list of 'no's'; what are the 'yes's'?
1. Learn to be a good friend and identify good friends, without the social trappings of concern over dating, most of which is peer pressure.
2. Focus on friendship -- great marriages often come out of great friendship.
3. Don't shop where you can't buy; if you're not old enough to court, don't date.
4. Let Jesus be your satisfaction in identity and emotion; when He fills all places, the unhealthy urge for someone else to please you diminishes and balances.
Teaching Exercise for Your Children↓

Rationale for exercise→Do you want your children to understand, agree with and amicably embrace – not merely obey – your position regarding dating/courting? Of course. So help them arrive at the point of view on their own. This exercise will take some time, so give them a few days to a week or two, and supervise that they are actually working at it.

• Ask them to write down any verses of the Bible that they think could impact their view on dating.
• After that (so that they do in fact study the Word without the internet) have them do internet study of what the Bible says about dating.
• From those two actions, have them write down what they believe the guidelines for dating should be.

Parents, take those guidelines and take all your kids will give you! IF they’ve done a thorough job and love the Lord, they’ll give you the grounds to form an agreeable standard. This could be a HUGE win for your family.

Equippers Newsletter -- Reassessing the Value of the American Dream

Al Jackson, a great missional pastor at Lakeview Baptist Church in Auburn, AL, recently asked the question, 'Will we follow a great commission resurgence, or the American dream?'

What a poignant, profound question. We would all like to think the two are not mutually exclusive, that we can have the American dream and be totally surrendered to living the great commission. But his very question suggests otherwise, and I believe he is right.

First all, ask yourselves, 'What is the American Dream?' My answer: to get all we want on our terms.

You might think, 'That sounds harsh, selfish.' It is. The American dream -- from which I have benefited greatly and to which I am highly drawn! -- is about getting more. Simple as that. Yes, that more is 'for our families' or 'for our kids,' but is more always better? More what?

'Getting more' stands in conflict with reaching 2.7 billion people who have not heard the Gospel, with sacrificing energy, time and money to raise homeless children, and on and on and on.

So what will your family do? If you are in the midst of living the American Dream, what kind of coure correction can you make? How much will you have to abandon? What will you need to know to hear His voice?

Those are hard questions worthy of prayerfully searching out, discussing, and acting on. No one can answer them precisely for you. But as Peter Lord once said, "We do what we believe. All the rest is just religious talk."


The Halloween Issue . . .
      Halloween is coming, and it is a controversial time. Some balance is needed to have a proper perspective, but also some enlightenment. While I'm willing to stand boldly for truth, I think it is extreme when families say to other families, "Halloween is totally harmless," OR, "You should have nothing to do with Halloween." Respect for a families' position is important. I recall many happy Halloween's in various costumes, romping through neighborhoods collecting candy. And I don't recall any particular demonization from the effort! HOWEVER, I understand that was 40-ish years ago (really? wow), and I understand Halloween's 'roots.' Check out this read from Randy Alcorn, whom I respect greatly, and - when your through with this blog entry, look at the second entry down on my blog (overall, not within this entry) and find my column that ran on Crosswalk.com a few years ago on Halloween and Hell.
 http://randyalcorn.blogspot.com/2009/10/perspective-on-halloween.html

On Teen Disrespect of Parents
(Yeah, nobody will hit this link, LOL)
http://www.christianpost.com/blogs/parenting/2009/10/all-due-respect-from-your-teenager-07/index.html

White Board Material or Conversation Starters

• "When you ignore the impulse to do good, it's like embezzling a blessing. Be a good steward of God's intentions today."
• "When you die, you wont' regret your unfulfilled dreams, just your unattempted ones. The first is reality; the second is tragedy." -- Rick Warren
• "The world's poor feel we ate the appetizers, entrees and dessert, then asked them to tea and said, 'Let's split the bill.' " -- Rick Warren
• "Can they tell you value Jesus by the way you rep His name?" -- Lecrae
• "Sex is far more than a physical connection. You give yourself. Tell teens they don't make a condom to protect your heart." -- Rick Warren

Halloween, Hell and the Holiday Controversy

About 15 years ago, Dr. Hal Lindsay visited West Palm Beach, where I lived. My friend Brad and I went to the Palm Beach Roundtable, where Lindsay would be speaking. His fascinating presentation ended with a Q&A session. A woman of the Palm Beach blue-hair variety stood, in all her finery, and with clipped accent posed this question: “Do you really believe, Dr. Lindsay, that a tender, loving, merciful God, whose beauty and love are seen throughout the world, would send someone to hell.”

She sat down to await his answer. Brad and I looked at each other with broad, knowing smiles, anticipating Lindsey’s deep, biblically-sound explanation of the doctrine of hell. Lindsey paused a little while, perhaps for dramatic effect. You could feel the anticipation in the room. Finally, he answered, fooling Brad and I with his simplicity:

“In a word, ‘Yes.’ Next question.”

So why do I bring up the subject of hell? It is Halloween season, and there is no more appropriate topic. This is the most important of four holidays for witches, as well as time of intensified Satanic activity. Those of you who think this is a friendly, soft, get-some-candy kind of holiday are being fooled; demonic activity is rampant. Hell’s demons are alive and well. You won’t find them behind ‘Spiderman’ masks, but they want to devour the tikes who wear them. Yet most of the country doesn’t want to talk about hell. They’re kind of like that Palm Beach lady – seriously doubting whether our loving God actually allowed for such a place.

At this season, many Christian churches take advantage of the Halloween culture to warn people about hell. A walk-through drama called ‘Judgement House,’ or any of several take-offs, is presented to the community. A few years ago ‘Judgement House’ depicted a house fire, which cost two members of a family their lives and showed the eternal destiny of each. Some Christian churches – of the much softer, ‘cultural Christian’ variety – took offense at the presentation. They protest because it was scary, frightening, disconcerting, deeply troubling.

So is hell. That’s the point.
Tell me, those of you who are parents, exactly why do you pull your toddler’s hand away when he reaches for the stove? Because it is hot!

Exactly why do bible-believing Christians (I should not have to quality the term Christian with ‘bible-believing,’ but in this culture, I must) tell their spiritually lost friends about Hell? Because it is hot! It is a place of eternal torment. We don’t want anyone to go there . . . do we?

What kind of parent would NOT tell their toddler that the stove is hot?

What kind of pastor would NOT tell his congregation that the result of failing to repent and follow Jesus Christ is to spend eternity in hell? A soft, wimpy, perhaps intellectually un-prepared and certainly culturally over-sensitive one. (And perhaps a ‘lost’ one). One who has bought into the evil of excessive tolerance, who doesn’t want to ‘offend’ anybody. Yet, the greatest offense is to never tell someone the eternal danger they face, then have them go head-long into it. As my friend and mentor (as he was to so many), the late Dr. Cal Guy, preached, “I don’t like the doctrine of hell, but it’s not mine to change!”

When I was part of First Baptist Church of Indian Trail (NC) about 10 years ago, they presented a ‘Judgement House.’ The youth pastor received many condemning letters and phone calls from area pastors. An excerpt from one read: “are you telling children and young people that if they die without recognizing Christ as part of their life – according to your standards – that they will be damned? I find that a very narrow and graceless view of God.”

God’s way is narrow. He is full of grace, however, having made salvation – thus heaven for eternity – available to all who receive Him. But not all receive, and for them the alternative is eternity in hell. It doesn’t matter whether we like it; that’s the way God says it is.

The issue is the bible – do you believe it? The doctrine of hell is plainly spelled out in the bible (Rev. 20:10-15, and other places). If you don’t believe it, then which parts of the bible do you believe? Do you pick and choose? And if you pick and choose, who does that make god . . . God, or you? The bible says not to add or subtract from it. If you don’t believe it, then you might as well trash the whole thing and join the witches and Satanist – they’re having great fun this time of year.

But if you have a realistic view, then have a 'Fall Festival,' put on some innocent costumes, have fun wisely and with the right focus. This isn't about extremism, but you also can't be naive. The enemy loves naive Christians.

Slave, or Superstar?

Two great quotes from Rick Warren that speak to the greatest danger facing any leader, at any level: "Never waste energy trying to be well-known.Today’s hero is tomorrow’s zero. You work on character and leave reputation to Him." And, "Speakers like travel because it feeds the ego. Always being in the spotlight blinds you."

You may lead a church, a Sunday School class, a small group, or just your house, but if front-and-center feeds your ego and that is the core of your satisfaction, you need to repent or quit! Hey, I'm harping at the man in the mirror today (as always), but you can listen.

There's a fine line between being willing and able to be in the spotlight (no matter the audience size) and needing the spotlight to be validated.  But there's a hundred mile's difference between being a slave and being a superstar. Slaves of Christ build a reputation for genuineness. They last. They spur multiplication, not addition. They simply do what Jesus asks, and people notice Jesus when they do it. They transfer life, from Jesus to those whom they serve in His name.

Superstars - and I continue to remind you these come with big and little audiences -- may speak the truth, but after a little while everyone can see who (little 'w') it is about. They are pimping Jesus for their sole satisfaction.

It is Warren's quotes via Twitter tonight (Monday) that spurred this line of thought in me. It is a bit more personalized because I was once in on an 'insiders' meeting with Pastor Warren. Now, I am NO Warren insider -- it's a strange occurrence how I was asked into that meeting. Pastor Warren probably doesn't remember my name, I just wrote some profiles of Purpose Driven Churches for his ministry 9 or 10 years ago. But there I was in a meeting with the key leaders he'd trained up (minus me), and here's what I saw: that Rick Warren understood that everything He was given was from Christ; and that Rick Warren desired to give away everything he had been given to other pastors/leaders who would give it away.

That left an indelible imprint. The heart of the man moving His mouth will determine whether His work lasts. The heart of that same man may will be revealed -- likely to men, but always to our Father.

 Do what you do the same way before 1 or 1,000. It is hard for you. It is hard for me. I pray I am found to be a slave!

Equippers Newsletter

Fellow Parents, you are awesome!! Keep believing the best for your children. Keep surrendering. Keep speaking the Word over them. Press on in His power!

If your walk is not strong, your child's walk won't be strong. That's hardly an insightful comment, yet it is a truth many parents ignore. If you haven't already, I urge you to review my notes from Sunday's teaching on 'Marks of Spiritual Growth.' It is the third item down my blog as of today's posting.
Here are some serious diagnostics to help you gauge your progress and needed adjustments in leading your family. These parenting questions come @BruceWesley on twitter.
1. What if God did in your kids life ONLY what you prayed for?
2. Would you feel successful if your kids imitated your walk with God?
3. How equipped would your kids be based ONLY on your day-to-day conversations about God?
• On whether your child is ‘over scheduled’: http://www.education.com/magazine/article/Your_Child_Overscheduled/
• "Treasuring life above Christ is a tragedy." - John Piper. Victor: Always think ‘application, application, application.’ In the context of our missional emphasis and in the context of Christ suffering and many around the world suffering for Christ, ask your family to personalize and contextualize this quote.
• From my seminary colleague and now mega-church pastor @pastorjdgreaer: “Parents say, 'my kids can't be involved with the mission because they're at soccer, etc. Why not make that the mission?' “ Victor: In other words, in your normal life traffic pattern, what difference are you making? How are you impacting the world? You have Christ in you, so you are power and healing to the world!
• When a child is allowed to do absolutely as he pleases, it will not be long until nothing pleases him. –Anonymous
• My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it. -Clarence Budinton Kelland. (this and above via @blendedfamily4u on twitter)
• "Less than 2% of 13 year olds (in the church) have a biblical worldview." -George Barna. I wonder why?
• From NFL great and strong Christian @shaunalexander: “Personality is like a lazor gun. Attitude is the power of the lazor. Attitude is a choice and you control it. Success connects with Attitude.”
• From Casting Crowns Mark Hall (@markhallcc, who also Youth Minister @ Eagles Landing Baptist Church near Atlanta): “I say Obedience to God's leading is a win no matter how much fruit we see. God brings the harvest not us. We just plant & water.” per 1cor3:6-9. Victor: This is an important principle to teach our kids! America is awash in a church culture that measures success in some strange ways (mostly bottoms in seats, regardless of growth). The WORK of ministry is up to our obedience. The FRUIT of ministry is up to Him. You CAN lead a horse to water . . .

What Are You Watching For?

"O Lord, in the morning you hear my voice; in the morning I prepare a sacrifice for you and watch." -- Psalm 5:3

Every other time that I've read this I've focused on 'in the morning,' but the Holy Spirit allowed it to strike me differently today. Note "I prepare a sacrifice for you and wait."

To prepare a sacrifice means to the sacrifice of praise, the surrender of self, prayers, the encounter with God where we give up ourselves and give Him our best.

Then, "and watch." Two very powerful words. The man who walks with Christ surrenders self, praises God, lifts up prayers, "and watch(es)"

Are you watching for what God is doing in your life, and around you? We should live in profound, eager, excited anticipation of what He is doing, because we've gone to Him, summoned Him, cried out to Him, given up self and taken in renewal of His Spirit, so He will be moving, and it should be the most exciting thing to "to watch."

Prayer is the real work. After we have been with Him, He moves, and we will know what to do next, we will have clear indication. Or if we don't, He'll intercede. He'll just plain take over as needed.

That's what I watch for: Him to take over my attitudes, my circumstances, my daily encounters with others.

God wants to do something powerful in and through you this week. Let's make sure He hears our voices and receives our sacrifices -- and let's watch.

Markers of Spiritual Growth

Colossians 1:3-15

“For this reason” . . .
What reason? Hope. See 1:5-7. This hope has been promised, delivered by Christ, introduced and elaborated on by those whom God sent (such as Epaphras in the Colossians case).

Since we have this hope, we grow!
Markers of Spiritual Growth

1 -- Be Filled with the Knowledge of His Will

How? Study. Ask. Do the Obvious
People often talk to me about their struggle to understand God’s will. I have that struggle too, sometimes. Usually when I am in the way.

The diagnostic question→ What does the Word of God say (or the principles of the Bibnle indicate) about that subject? Is there a compelling reason you would not respond as the Word says?

2 -- (so that) You May Walk Worthy of the Lord

He who walks with Christ does His will, i.e., does His work, is is slave. Period. That’s the DEFINTION OF WALKING WITH CHRIST.

It’s NOT about Cultural Christian Comfort

I wonder often if we are merely comfortable with the trappings of Christianity?
• The ‘safer’ friend base
• The nice church builder
• The entertaining, intellectually stimulating preaching and teaching
• The great music
• The social and sometime academic ‘center’ of activity

Is it the CHURCH CULTURE we love, or CHRIST?!

3 -- (Those who Walk Worthy of the Lord) Will Bear Fruit
What does it mean to bear fruit?
Victor’s simple definition of bearing Christ-ian fruit↓
Life-change will come in others because you obeyed and ministered

4-- You Will Grow in Knowledge of God as you minister

Why ‘as you’ minister? A common misconception - and a dangerous one – is that we must know all about God, have this great intimate, perfect relationship with Him, before we are of any use to Him. He didn’t function with the disciples that way!

It is in the midst of obedience TO Him, you are dependent ON Him, and thus you come to KNOW Him better.

We grow as we go! But to grow, you must go!

5 --You Will be Strengthened in All Power

Why? Because you know Him, and because you are doing things that you could never do on your own! You MUST have His power or you will fail!

If you aren’t doing anything that needs His power, anything where you feel the constant pull toward Him SO THAT YOU CAN SIMPLY KEEP ON DOING IT, then you probably aren’t doing anything He particularly told you to do!

Christians are utterly dependent on Christ! But so many are so prideful, so literally hell-bent on not being dependent on anything, that we miss Christ.

Many are drawn in by the ‘good’ of Churchianity and thus miss Christianity

↓Tally Hilgis writes↓

:What keeps us from reaching our potential? The lure of the lackluster.
Lackluster is the word I use for the life not challenged. A lackluster life is one that returns to the same behavior as the day before. Usually the lackluster life is one that becomes routine and predictable. The lackluster life does not challenge assumptions, does not work through difficult circumstances, it worships comfortable and often wakes up fighting the same battles and noticing little change over long periods of time. That's a lackluster life."
http://tallywilgis.blogspot.com/

One way of self-examination might me to ask, “Are you loving in ‘survival,’ ‘safety,’ or ‘sanctification’?”

It All Comes Back to Christ

Equippers Newsletter -- From Him to them through you

“A house is actually a school and a church, and the head of the household is a pastor in his house.” – Martin Luther, via @LifeWayMarriage. Ding-ding-ding-ding! GET THIS ONE. Let it seep into the heart and mind. The parent is chief educator, chief spiritual leader, chief ‘formation manager’ of the lives entrusted to you! Wow!! What responsibility, but what a perfect model we have in God the Father, and what a perfect helper in the Holy Spirit. You can do this – in Christ!


Today’s newsletter is heavy on links because I’ve seen so much good stuff lately. Much of it comes from filtering Twitter, so the @so-and-so tells you where it came from in case you want to follow them. If you have a twitter account, please tell me so I can follow you. I am simply VictorLee (one word) on twitter. Enjoy:

• Sad story, and not related to parenting, BUT, a little over half way through this short clip I think you hear a great example the Christ-like way to respond to tragedy. Perhaps worth showing your family as you ‘shape’ their thinking about how to cope with hardship. http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/crime/2009/09/13/wral.nc.groom.killed.wral
• Great blog entry by Jason Hayes (@JasonHayes) on spiritual snootiness vs. humility. Excellent for your kids to read, or better yet as foundational material for a family discussion a parent leads. http://threadsmedia.com/life/article/super-spirituality-are-you-a-faith-snob-part-one/
• Very practical advice on how to get your child to listen. A little better for younger kids than older, but useful to all. http://www.more4kids.info/1178/parenting-solutions-for-listening-kids/
• You’ve got to know what your kids’ generation likes! Relevant cultural information:http://parent2parent.ning.com/group/trendwatch/forum/topics/current-youth-culture-top-10
• Two great quotes on our walk with Christ and daily surrender to him, from Hal Mayer (@HalMayer), “It is interesting following God. Every time we get a sense of, ‘okay I got this,’ He allows life and circumstances to turn us back to Him,” and, “Thank you God for caring enough about knowing me -to allow me to be incomplete enough to need YOU and know it!” Use these as part of a discussion with your kids of how bad things and struggles are used by God to grow us. This is vital for them to grasp early.
• Whiteboard/discussion material for home: “Another proof of our fallen nature is our uncanny ability to clearly see the faults of everyone except ourselves.” – Rick Warren (@RickWarren)
• Wise thoughts from a Godly man on real protection for our children.
http://www.echurch.co.za/good-news/trust-god-with-your-loved-ones/
• Strong story about a family being pro-active on the sexual front; including strong stats on porn. http://www.ajc.com/news/gwinnett/porn-talk-draws-masses-141608.html?imw=Y

'World vs. Word' in Shaping Your Child's Sexuality

5th in a Series on Shaping Your Child's Sexuality
Review John 17:15-19
The bottom line summary: You are not residents of earth, just as Jesus is not. You are here, at His bidding, to be His slave, to accomplish His purposes. You live in a constant state of spiritual growth (sanctification) that is accomplished by the Word of God washing over and through your life, correcting, instructing and inspiring.

It is in that context that we raise our children. One major aspect of life on earth, in this foreign place, is sexuality, because sensuality and this sexuality have become a God to the people of this world. It is a self-God, an idol, and Satan masquerades in it as true intimacy. The enemy has perverted a beautiful thing. Our challenge is to put it in the context of 'beautiful' for our children.
The impossible job: To keep the world out of our children while putting our children in the world to make a difference.

Be careful too far to one side, and you really are a religious zealot.
But be too loose to the other, and you really are making the road wider and more dangerous for your children.

We can’t build too many walls, or we can’t fulfill the No. 2 reason we exist: to fulfill His purposes! (The first reason is to give Him glory, which you can argue is the same as the second reason because if you fulfill His purposes you give Him glory! But that’s another message).

Where are we ‘careful’ and where are we not? What is inappropriately ‘sexualized’ that draws our children the wrong way, and what is simply appropriate exposure to life, reality, the human body, the interaction of men and women, and education about the interaction of man and woman in marriage?

Overarching question→ What is appropriate sexualization for a middle schooler a) at home; b) socially; c) in dating. Work to come up with real answers and use them to help guide your plan! Note that this whole teaching series on sexuality is not designed to give you the answers to the test, but to give you the questions, point you to the text book, and ask you to put the answer in your own words to your children as the Spirit leads!

Examples of the 'tension' we face:

When they are 14, do we pretend with our children that the opposite sex doesn’t exist?
Or do we endorse them snuggling up on the couch with a boyfriend, holding hands, with a kiss being our ‘limit’ to enforce? Aren’t BOTH making you uncomfortable right now?

Do we as parents display to our kids in our affections, attitudes and conversation toward each other that we’ve had sex the exact number of times as the number of kids in the household, or do we openly acknowledge and even playfully (not meaning crudely) speak about our romantic life?

Do we blindly assume our children are never going to have an orgasm – not to mention sex --until their wedding night? Or do we actually discuss what one is and whether it is acceptable for that to occur before marriage? Or do we take an in-active in-between role that assumes ‘they’ll figure that out on their own;’ and is there anything wrong with that attitude (since they probably will figure that out on their own)?
Understanding Where You’re Starting From
Are You a Prude, Pragmatic or Progressive
When it Comes to Shaping Your Child’s Sexuality

A Prude sticks their head in the sand, at worst, and at best speaks self-righteous-sounding platitudes that offend the mind and miss the heart. In either case, they set their kid up for disaster.

What to do if you’re a prude: back up, take a deep breath and a long look, and completely re-approach. Deal with your own sexual issues on a spiritual (forgiveness; adjustment) level. Have honest dialogue with your spouse. Own your struggles and begin an open dialogue with a progressive about how to change, including specific next steps.

A Pragmatic thinks, ‘I better do and say something about sex’ out of obligation, or defense, and of course out of genuine love, but they really don’t want to personally engage because they are defensive and scared. So they draw boundaries without heart- and head-engaging explanation, they give books that explain plumbing apart from emotions, and they hope for the best. They won’t get it.

What to do if you’re a pragmatic: tie the heart to the matter. You’ve been willing to engage the issue, now be willing to be vulnerable and ‘uncomfortable’ taking the conversation to the heart level. Talk about it with a progressive.

A Progressive anticipates the dialogue, prayerfully and thoughtfully prepares to engage and equip their child, maintains open dialogue with their spouse about the issue, and never, ever leaves their child thinking sex is a dirty word or something to fear. Why do they leave them thinking it is nothing to fear? Because they give it proper CONTEXT, relationally and to the Word of God, and they SHOW that context in their life with their spouse. A progressive’s children have the best chance to grow into a Biblical sexuality.

What to do if you’re a progressive: keep growing, and find a prude or pragmatic to help! Make yourself available. Actually begin/drive dialogue with other parents on the issue; you might change their kids’ lives.

What are the guiding principles that determine where you as a parent land in the continuums above? And what will you do from here? Below are suggested steps to work through as parent(s).

• Consider whether you are naïve, and reject it if you are
• Write down a series of questions, issues or concerns regarding sex and your child
• Search the Word and its guiding principles for application to each
• Consider ‘practical’ (day-to-day, pragmatic, contextualized) answers/solutions for same
• Merge the Biblical and the ‘practical’ into an ‘action plan’ for each issue/question
• Prioritize order of dealing with questions/issues/concerns
• Carefully considering the state of your relationship with your child with regard to deeply personal physical/emotional issues, make a plan for beginning the dialogue (not having a mere ‘talk’) with your child

Peace, As Jesus Gives It

It is a sweet and safe place to be able to figuratively curl up in the arms of Jesus when you are hurting and believe you have no where else to turn. (Many men among you readers have likely already recoiled at that comment, anti-masculine as it appears. But let’s remember that Jesus was a very masculine man, a carpenter, a strong man, a tender warrior.) Life frequently – daily sometimes – present conundrums of the mind, heart and circumstances that no person can solve. You can’t get your own mind and actions to follow His will, it seems, much less someone else’s! Get two or three problems spinning around you in a row, and you’re reduced to desperation.

And there is Jesus. Too often that’s what it takes to get us to Him – major ‘trouble,’ stuff we couldn’t manage ‘on our own’ (as if we’re supposed to manage anything on our own!). So is it any wonder He allows it?

“Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Your heart must not be troubled or fearful.” – John 14:27

He leaves us HIS peace. How big is His peace? Total. Beyond thorough. Nothing is ‘worrying Him’ (our sin does grieve Him, however). Nothing can shake Him. He sees the past, present and future (in fact, so completely that He does not function in ‘time’ as we know it), and He holds it all. That’s pretty big peace!

He contrasts that peace with ‘peace’ the world gives. How does the world give it’s (false) peace? Through distraction (sin, habit, or a combination), drugs, man’s effort to ‘eliminate’ (divorce, abandon, etc.) the problem. Satan keeps feeding us the same old substititues! You would think w would catch on!

You may think, ‘I don’t know how to run to Jesus, to curl up in His arms!’ There is no ‘technique.’ Be still. Speak (in your mind or with your mouth) your fears, concerns, feelings, etc. with raw honesty. Focus your mind on Him. Ask Him to comfort and speak back. Be still long enough to get it out, and be still long enough to hear. Ask the Holy Spirit to do His job(s): a) comfort; b) counsel; c) intercede for you; d) bring to your mind the Truth Jesus taught.

It will work, every time. As some prescriptive applications say in the instructions: “Repeat as often as necessary.”

Standing Naked Before Jesus

Today’s Texts→John 7:53-8:12 (woman caught in adultery); Romans 8:28-30; 31-34
(These are 'notes', not an article, but I hope you can get enough nuggets without the transitions and some detail-Victor)
The Scene→↓The religious people (the self-righteous legalists) are trying to trap Jesus, so they bring him the most publicly unacceptable, egregious, situation of the day: a woman caught in adultery.

They did it publicly. In ‘church.’ With smirks on their face they said, ‘OK, GOD, what you do about this?!’

He delayed. Twice. To let them think about it. (Pretty good parenting technique, by the way)

1→“No one, Lord.” LORD!

She called Him ‘Lord’! She’s standing there fresh from hot sex, with somebody’s table cloth wrapped around her so she won’t be stark naked, and she calls Him LORD! She goes in there literally expecting to DIE, and comes face-to-face with a man who turns the tables on her accusers. This man is different, why, He’s a God-Man!

2→“Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more.”

Listen, when you take a sinner to God, what do YOU expect Him to do with him?! Be careful here! God might mess up your revenge with His redemption! If you want them ‘condemned’ for being so bad, you better get in the executive line with them!

God isn’t waiting for a person to get cleaned up! He saved you as you were! What He says to her is amplified in Romans 8:1, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus . . . “ He says, “You’ve met me now. Everything changes. Go on, quit that nasty stuff, and live in the light.”

She has met the Lord, in the midst of her greatest need. Well, that’s a fine time to meet Him! When did you meet Him? When everything was going rosy? Not if you got saved, past, say, 10 years old! Once you were old enough to figure out that rosy isn’t rosy, you were trying to FIND a savior.

3→”I am the light of the world. Anyone who follows Me will never walk in the darkness, but will have the light of life.”

Once you are exposed to the light, you crave the light! Remember the woman at the well. She had a pretty sordid sexual past and present, too. But once she’d seen The Light, she didn’t mind what everybody knew so much . . . that was secondary. She ran back to the village telling the people to “come see a man who told me everything I ever did!” In her case, that’s the same as saying, “Come see a man who told me everybody I ever slept with!”

The point isn’t what she did – the point isn’t what you did – the point is Who He Is, and how He changes who you are!

Our God is a God of redemption, and that includes in YOUR sex life; whether of the body or of the mind. Read the redemptive passages of Scripture!

Romans 8:28-30 applies. A few thoughts and steps spinning off of “all things work together . . .” as it relates to a sexual sin history.

A-He knew you were going to do that (He did not ordain it, permit it, or endorse it, but He knew it)
B-He knows who you are with now (He knows who you married and the baggage you brought)
C-His mind can overtake your mind (If you don’t believe and live this, you are living in defeat; the battle is for the mind, and the saved have ‘the mind of Christ’)
D-His nature can overtake your nature (”be transformed by the renewing of your mind”)
E-Practice makes perfect (overcome ‘wrong sex’ with ‘right sex’; he ordained your sexuality with your spouse!)


→Read/exegete Romans 8:31-34 carefully

You are clean. You are redeemed from your sin, including your sexual sin. Now go and sin no more. But when you do – which is not an excuse for sin – you have An Advocate, Who is at the right hand of the Father. He paid the price, interceded, shaped and reformed you, interceded some more.

You are free from your past sexual sin! And being free from it, and knowing you are free, and accepting your freedom, you are now free to shape the sexuality of your children without guilt, shame, remorse or embarrassment.

When You Run From Sexual Sin (of the past, present, or in the mind),
Where Do You Run?
To the Light.

↓Overarching, practical truth for you and your children↓
You Must Focus on the Light

How Do You Focus?
1-Eliminate Distractions
2-Accountability
3-Intentional Lighting
4-Knowing Where to Run (1 Cor 10:13)

Have I gone soft on sexual sin in this message? NO. The summary of all above – relating to all sin, not just sexual sin: Jesus died on the cross, for your sin and mine. So the price is paid. So quit violating the one who paid the ultimate price by doing the same thing over again. RUN – TO – THE – LIGHT.

A Word for Would-be Leaders too Shy to Share

Paul wrote, "For I want very much to see you, that I may impart some spiritual gift to strengthen you, that is, to be mutually encouraged by each other's faith, both yours and mine." - Romans 1:11-12


Don't ever be shy about passing on what God has given you -- it's literally why you exist. There is a false humility among some Christians that causes them to think, 'Who am I to share that?' or 'What I have to say doesn't matter,' or 'They'll think it strange coming from me.' This is how the enemy wants you to think! Such 'false humility' is really either a) one fooled by the enemy per my previous comment; b) one simply not bold enough to speak; c) one with too little faith to believe that God will use his (which are really His) words. The three reasons overlap with many people.

You've accurately heard it said that genunine humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less. So when you hear something from the Lord and desire to pass it on, you are thinking of benefitting others with what has benefitted you. Sounds Christ-like to me!

We must act in humble confidence, and confident humility.

Paul's comment breaks down this way. A) A desire to see those to whom he is called to minister; for you, that's anyone in a group that you have leadership of OR influence/membership in; B) that I may impart some spiritual gift; clearly, he has something for them. Prerequisite to that is that he has received something, thus having been in steady fellowship with God; C) to be mutually encouaraged by each other's faith, both yours and mine; our leading/teaching - YOUR leading/teaching -- leads to our receiving from others as they grow in intimacy with us and thus willingness to share and as our overall example of 'passing it on' is caught. This is creating or contributing to true Biblical community per the Acts 2 model of church.

Share boldly! Use any venue you've given. Share with those who share with you. Re-send with proper credits what you receive. The point is always to encourage one another in the faith, teaching, shaping, nurturing, encouraging, reven rebuking as needed.

If you know Christ, you ARE the front lines!

Watching it Storm from the Mountaintop-Victor