Exasperation & Condemnation vs. Holy Spirit Conviction in Parenting

As parents, we must make sure our children know the difference between us, and the Holy Spirit. (I'm speaking primarily of children ages 10-plus who have given their life to Christ and thus have the ability to understand the Holy Spirit and have His presence).

As moms and dads, we often so passionately desire to see change that we press, press, press our children. We pound. We cojule. We punish. We rant.

That doesn't look much like the Holy Spirit!

There is an easier and more effective way. Stick with me here; this is important!

In Paul's second letter to the Corinthians, chapter 7, he wrote, "For although I grieved you with my letter, I do not regret it -- even though I did regret it since I saw that the letter grieved you, though only for a little while. Now I am rejoicing, not because you were grieved, but because your grief led to repentance. For you were grieved as God willed, so that you didn't experience any loss from us. For Godly grief produces a repentance not to be regretted and leading to salvation, but worldly grief produces death."

Let's relate this to parenting.  Paul had written a letter in which he pointed out some sin to the Christians at Corinth. He says in essence, "I know it hurt your feelings, and it hurt mine to write it, but it was necessary."

When you speak to your children about sin -- a particular one, or a trait that is sin, or a sinful habit -- it is the same. You may 'hurt their feelings,' and it hurts yours to do it. But it is necessary. Why? Paul says, again paraphrased, "Because it caused you to repent. God used me to produce hurt in you that turned you to Him to solve the problem, and now you've done the right thing."

Listen -- this is crucial! While God absolutely uses you to instruct your children, be very, very mindful of the fact that once a child has accepted Christ and shown the seeds of repentance in an issues you are dealing with, the Holy Spirit is able to directly deal with Him.

This does not take all the responsibility for correction off of you, but it strongly repositions you to to allow Him to be more effective.

Once a child has reached this point, we must be especially careful not to exasperate and condemn them with verbal attacks and over-the-top discipline. So often when the child has shown the seed of repentance, we can simply go to the child as Paul did and calmly say, in essence, "Here's an action/attitude/habit I see recurring in you. You know it is sin and I see that the Holy Spirit dealing with you on it. I know you love Christ and I'm so thankful for that, and since He lives in you, I'm just pointing this out and telling you that I expect you to deal with Him on it right now, and I expect change."

Now, is it all that simple? Sometimes, but obviously not always. That child may ignore the urging of the Spirit through the parent, and you may have to issue consequences and be tougher. But try it. Let the Holy Spirit do His work.

As parents we must desire that the motive for right action by our children -- as children and later as adults -- is that it honors God, NOT merely that they will be punished by us if they don't act right, and NOT merely that they might hurt or offend us if they don't act right.

When they leave your home, your discpline won't be a motive. In most cases, even how they impact your 'feelings' won't be a motive because you won't see all. They must be accustomed to the conviction and counsel of the Holy Spirit. They cannot be accustomed to this if we as parents do not put them in the position to hear from and respond to Him.

Parenting this way -- again, once they a) know Christ; b) understand the Holy Spirit (you much teach them!), c) have shown the seeds of repentance -- is so very freeing! As a teen or pre-teen increases in responsiveness to the Spirit, your job is so much easier as you feel less 'emotional weight,' less stress to 'be God to them,' which is what many of us try to unwittingly do when we don't let the Spirit do His work.

There is balance in this. The pre-conditions of the previous paragraph are vital. I am not suggesting you abdicate your God-given role as parent. But the Spirit is capable of moving your children to genuine repentance and change.

How did it turn out when Paul led this way? The passage continues, "For consider how much diligence this very thing -- this grieving as God wills -- has produced in you: what a desire to clear yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what deep longing, what zeal, what justice! In every way you have commended yourself to be pure in this matter."

That's what I want to be able to say about my children!

Kids' Fear Homes Falling Apart, But the Word Has an Answer!

A recent anonymous polling of the concerns of a large group of middle schoolers in a youth worship service revealed that the biggest issue on most of their minds were a) the security of their home; b) Dad's.

In other words, many middle school students sense the instability in their homes -- many actually fearing it will break apart -- and many see major concerns with their fathers. (Experientially, I see no reason why the data would be any different for high school students).

While the students may not realize it, those two are essentially the same concern. It all starts with leadership, and in the two-parent home, that means with Dad.

As I was contemplating this information and preparing to teaching my Equippers of Middle Schoolers class, the Holy Spirit gave me two passages to unpack: 2 Chronicles 7:14 and Ephesians 5:22-26.

Before we look at their implication for the home, every parent or set of parents should challenge themselves with these, related, question: Is this home stable? Is the marriage secure? Are we built on rock or sand? Is this an emotionally and spiritually safe place?

These are healthy and harmless things to ask. The parent(s) that come away feeling confident that they are largley 'on track' in their walk are simply reassured in the Spirit. Everyone else will know work is needed.

And the work begins with revival. 'Revival' in the typical, Southern, evangelical culture is a funny thing. A sad thing, but a funny thing. So many churches have 'revivals' with no real goal for what they are seeking (an evangelistic outreach, or a revival of the church?). Pastors and deacons cry out, begging God to 'send revival.' This is totally unnecessary. God told us exactly how to have revival. He is not always a God of formulas, but in the case of revival, He is. And the formula works at home as well as in the church body.

But before the formula (7:14), let's look at the context. The Lord told Solomon, recorded in v. 13, "When I shut up heaven and there is no rain, or command the locusts to devour the land, or send pestilence among my people"

In other words, when things are bad, when it appears my hand is not on you, do this:

"If My people who are called by my name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land."

Daddys, your land is your home, your family. I believe the above will apply to families. When you know you are unstable, lead your family in repentance, and let it start with you! You must:

a) humble yourself. No cocky, I've-got-it-figured-out, I'm-the-boss mentality. Return to your Lord in humilty. Let your family see it, too!
b) Pray, and seek His face. I think it says "seek my face" to help us understand that our God doesn't want a rote, religious, here's-my-list-of-stuff-for-you-to-do prayer. He wants intimate fellowship, two-way communication, face-down-heart-up prayer.
c) Through a) and b) you'll be made away of what to repent of, then you must "turn from (your) wicked ways."

Folks, if any daddy, or single mommy, will do this, revival will come to that home! Forgiveness will come. Healing will begin. Emotional bondage will reduce or be eliminated. Stress will decline. The power of the Holy Spirit will begin to flow.

You notice that the best way for this to work is for Daddy to lead. That takes us to the other passage God told me to teach: Ephesians 5:22-26.

This passage speaks of the God-ordained role of husband and wife, and how they are to execute those roles. When we get those roles out of order, the whole thing messes up. Perhaps the biggest real reason kids think their families are falling apart is because Dad's have abdicated their role, and Mom is the spiritual leader. Or there is none. Or Mom is embittered because Dad has abandoned the role. It gets pretty complex emotionally.

The Word tells us the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is head of the church, and that he is to love her as Christ loved the church and as he loves his own body. If a man really did that, a woman would never have issue with her position! If a man really did that -- love his wife as Christ loved the church (sacrifically, her interests first, gently but firmly) -- there would be profound stability and safety in the home.

Furthermore, an illustration used is that Christ sanctifies and cleanses the church by the washing her with the Word. This is the way it is to be at home, too! Husbands, sanctify and cleanse your home by teaching and praying the Word of God over your family daily. Let it be central. By instruction to you to give them, and by direct revelation, the Holy Spirit will use the word to cleanse and sanctify your family!

And yet the church today has even made this hard for man, implicitly posturing ourselves (ordained men, elders, teachers) as the experts who must teach the Word. No, daddy's must teach the Word! The Holy Spirit is there to help you. Pastors and books and many helps are there to assist, but Daddy's must deliver the Word.

In short, the stability of the home today does not rest in some complicated psychology or complex process. There are many books out there about the family (I wrote one), but the answer does not come from books, but from The Book, and the simple, direct, powerful instruction it gives that will transform.

We need to repent, and we need to keep or make the order in the home what God said it should be.

Pardon me if I'm a simple man, but I do think it is that simple.

Do You Know How Powerful He is in You?

"Now to Him Who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen." -- Ephesians 3:20 (ESV)

The New King James says, "exceedingly abundantly above all." Can't you just imagine Paul ,the earthly writer of this text, hearing the thought from the Holy Spirit and trying to get it into words? What joyous frustration to try to express how totally and incomprehensibly our Perfect God can transform things. Paul did the best he could -- and God annointed it as the Word -- when he put down a string of adjectives that were still not enough.

Indeed, our God can do "far more abundantly than all we ask or think" in any situation in our lives. Come up with your best-case solution to all problems. Come up with your vision for the maximine impact He could make through you. God can top that!

How? "According to the power at work within us." Who is that? The Holy Spirit. Are you getting that GOD LIVES IN YOU by the Spirit? Or are you going about life with a religious non-power, a self-made, slightly hopeful effort that if you beg God long enough and wear yourself out enough you might make a dent of good in this world? The Spirit of God is in you!

Go live like it. Give Him the glory all the time. It will bring glory to God, to the church, and will impact eternity. Believe the Word. Share in Paul's healthy frustration of trying to expressing His power by experiencing Him so powerfully you don't even know how to say it!