Shaping the Sexuality of Our Children -- How to Prepare their Hearts & Minds

Overarching↓

God’s overwhelmingly affirms sex. It doesn’t go from ‘wrong’ to ‘acceptable’ on your marriage day, it goes from ‘wrong’ to ‘right.’ It was God’s idea, thus God’s creation. He overwhelmingly affirms it Scripture, to the point of describing it in specific, profound personal-body-parts detail in Song of Solomon. He lays it out clearly.

God likes sex.

Key Question → Can you shape the sex life of your children before they become sexually active? Have you thought about it in that context?

Somebody is going to shape it, and the world is working at it real hard.

And the dialogue among kids at school is on-going.

They are getting ‘mental sexual input’ from OUTSIDE your home consistently. They MAY BE getting ‘visual sexual input’ from somewhere, because it is almost impossible to keep them from it. (Have you ever been in ‘Victoria’s Secret’? There’s no secret!)

Here’s the why-and-how you can shape the sex life of your children before you are married:

because you have the most access to the important sex organ they – and we – have --the mind.

In order to persuade their hearts and minds to a Godly sexual orientation, you have to have an ongoing, relational, honest dialogue. You not only have to enter into the conversation that IS GOING ON about sex, you have to lead it, drive it, direct it, take it over, and set the boundaries for the secondary conversations (those outside your parental ears).

‘The Talk’ Isn’t a ‘Talk’ – It’s an on-going conversation

Let me tell you what else it’s not:

• Not merely a ‘book’ – though you can give them books to supplement
• Not merely a ‘health class’
• Not merely a ‘Just Wait’ campaign/meeting, or a ‘Silver Ring Thing’ – They have to know – they demand to know (and they ought to) WHY they should wait
• It’s not about sexually transmitted disease or pregnancy

The Conversation starts with issues that are, on the surface, distinctly non-sexual.

Define Intimacy, realizing that it is NOT a distinctly sexual term. ‘Sexual intimacy’ is just one type of intimacy

Victor’s definition: Complete exposure. ‘Ideal Intimacy’ = Safe, comfortable, nurturing complete exposure.

Of course intimacy has levels, and as a relationship strengthens and grows the level should deepen.

Our kids are hungry for and in deep need of intimacy. If you don’t give them intimacy you’re going to increase their chance of seeking it the wrong way, and still not getting it. In fact, seeking it the wrong way will set them back, perhaps grievously and with permanent damage. Many – perhaps most – of us as parents know this. We’ll return to this in future classes.

Let me use a synonym – an incomplete-but-accurate one – for intimacy:
SAFETY

I explain to kids as they are growing up, or as I'm mentoring them, that there are 4 areas of their development in life:

• Emotional
• Spiritual
• Intellectual
• Physical

They absolutely all overlap, and they all fall under ‘Spiritual.’ And the ‘intellectual’ leads to the ‘emotional.’ And your emotional state tends to determine your actions. And sex is physical, and requires actions. Are you following me? If you want to influence what’s happening on the end of the equation, you better work with the beginning of the equation – the mind.

A healthy family has ‘intimacy’ in all four areas

Time-Out↓

In a culture of increasing perversity and thus increasing suspicion about the same, let me loosely define what I mean by ‘physical intimacy’ within a family. It should go without saying, but I’ll say it clearly anyway, that I’m not talking about anything sexual other than between husband and wife.

Beneath that there is appropriate gray area as to how parents and children interact on the physical level. But I think it’s very safe to assume that there is a non-sexual relaxed ‘standard’ in your own home with regard to personal physical appearance and interaction on normal physical activities and needs. Your still the parent, the children’s physical needs – no matter their age – are still your responsibility and there should be a mutual comfort level in that regard.

And frankly, that’s an important part of having laid a foundation of intimacy at home that frees you to discuss and shape thinking and actions on sexual intimacy.

Your children should already know there is physical ‘safety’ – and I don’t mean their protection from danger in this case – under your care, and that should ease the difficult of discussion of intimate physical issues, including sexual issues.

Now, back to the overall intimacy issue, if your children have a good understanding and experience of non-sexual intimacy, they will more easily make right choices about and transition – in marriage – appropriately to physical intimacy (which we also know is also emotional, intellectual and even spiritual).

When you tell your kids ‘don’t’, you better instead be telling them ‘why wait.’ And you better be dealing with the ‘heart’ elements. They have to have enough ‘emotional trust’ in you, enough experience at genuine familial intimacy on all four levels with you, to actually BELIEVE that what you tell them is what they should do even when they don’t understand, because when everything wakes up physically and they want sex bad enough, their lack of relationship experience - of life experience - is going to cause them to perhaps not really GET ‘why not?’

They run the risk of having sex for the same you continue eating donuts, or consuming whatever isn’t good for you – because it satisfies an immediate desire.

They have to be focused on God, and focused on their future mate. They’ve got to believe God and believe YOU. That means you have to have enough emotional and intellectual equity in their life that they don’t let their emotions drive their physical actions!

God’s Truth on all issues of life – especially the hard ones – should flow through you to them, so the experience of your interaction with them should validate the Gospel and empower them to wise choices.

This is the first of at least a five-week series.