Effective Parenting = Making Them Think

A verse I haven't meditated upon in a long time jumped out at me last night: "I thought about my ways, and turned my feet to your testimonies." Psalm 119:59

In the verses before this one, David affirms that the Lord is his 'portion' (strength; sustenance) and he asks God to show him mercy "according to Your Word." In the verse after, David affirms that he is rushing toward God's truth, quick to obey now that he has considered his ways.

Put in a parental context, this reminds me that it is far easier, but less effective, to simply instruct our children instead of making them think about their ways and comparing them to God's truths.

Simply saying, 'That's wrong, do this instead,' doesn't teach our children to act properly for the right reason. As children grow in intellectual and emotional maturity, we must hold up their actions against God's truth (the Word), compare, and instruct their adjustment. They must see why. They must be confronted with moral truth. They must made adjustments because they love and respect God and His Word.

When you're gone, force of habit won't make them do the right thing; 'because Mom and Dad did it this way' won't make them do the right thing. Only if they fall in love with Jesus and love Him and His Word deeply and fellowship with His Holy Spirit will they have the rationale and power to live the life God calls them to.

Notes, Quotes & Links

* When harmless chit-chat turns to vain words too often among your family, post this on the board: "Talk that does not end in any kind of action is better suppressed altogether." -- Thomas Carlyle

* Another one about words. "your ppl can tell when u have been much w/ God. That is most in their ears that is most in ur heart." Richard Baxter.

*Personal ambition is the enemy of spiritual leadership (c Jn. 3:30). -- via David Platt

* Show this to your children and ask them to share with others. Fun to watch for all, but particularly useful for approximately 5thgrade-and-under. http://www.mikejohnsonblog.com/my_weblog/2010/02/apologetics-for-kids-a-la-schoolhouse-rock.html

* Ed Young on 'How to Raise Disrespectful Kids', Part 1: Give them everything they want; always take their side; disrespect your spouse. Part 2: Give them a choice of whether or not they want to go to church.

* Great devotional thought from Kim Jaggers, who has a new blog. Check it out: http://www.kimjaggers.blogspot.com/

* Interesting read on how families have changed since the New Testament era.
http://anchorchildrensministry.blogspot.com/2010/03/how-is-family-different-facebook.html

Family Update -- Biological Mom of Danny, Caryn, Morgan Dies

Some of you know that the biological mother of three of our children Morgan (11), Caryn (14) and Danny (20) died tragically Friday. Her name was Celine Farrah, 42. We thank God for her giving birth to her five children, whom we have the privilege of adopting three and briefly helping raise another. Only David (23, raised with his dad and his wife who he knew as 'mom,' south of San Francisco) have we not helped raise, but we have a great relationship with this Godly young man.

Ciara, 18, was with us 9 months when the children came to us six years ago, then her dad was found and she lives with him near Sacramento.
Of those people who know, many have inquired about when they might see the kids to encourage or pray with them. They and we are very thankful for your love! Therefore, Monday night, March 1, from 6:30-8 pm there will be a drop-by visitation with Morgan, Caryn and Danny Lee -- as well as Ciara and David -- in the lobby of the Student Building @fbconcord. We pick up Ciara at the airport at 5 p.m., and it will be the first time the five of them have EVER been together. (though they've all seen each other in smaller groups).

This will not formally be a 'service' for Celine, but merely a chance for the kids to gather, have some closure, and be encouraged and comforted by friends.

Danny is living on his own and has seen Celine off-and-on the past two years. He is hit pretty hard by this.

Caryn and Morgan had not seen or talked with her for four years. Because of her age, Caryn remembers much, much more. She had great concern for Celine. She is certainly hurt but is coping well. Like Morgan, she is well entrenched with us as Mom and Dad and is grounded by that. Morgan, on the surface, appears unaffected.

David and Ciara were in contact with Celine regularly, but both are well-grounded in other families with other dad and mom's. They, too, are hurting but managing well.

Finally, pray for Ciara in particular. Her dad's wife, Hazel, has become her 'mom' over the past five years, and Hazel's life is in great danger due to a brain hemorrage. She had another emergency surgery today/Sunday. Ciara could lose two 'moms' in one week.

If you have distribution lists (Western Heights group, Fusion, etc.) feel free to forward this so the kids' friends all know.

We know schedules are complex, so don't feel obliged to come by; we just wanted to present the kids this opportunity to be loved.

Thankfully,

Victor & Judy Lee

A Somber Morgan, Danny, Caryn, taken by David in church this morning.

Obey & Don't Complain -- Why?

The command is given in multiple contexts of your life, to you and by you: "Just do as you're told." That's a loose translation of Philippians 2:14, "Do all things without complaining and disputing."

Probably as often as it is commanded, you or someone you are speaking to asks, "Why?" Good question! Let's answer it biblically. (I first taught this for parents, and the notes below reflect that, but since you are a child of God, i.e., He is your Father, you will easily understand.)

First, here's the passage:
Philippians 2

12 "Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; 13 for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure. 14 Do all things without complaining and disputing, 15 that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, 16 holding fast the word of life, so that I may rejoice in the day of Christ that I have not run in vain or labored in vain."

We Must Understand the State of the Believer► ”lights in the world”

To understand the context, the one obeying must understand the position they are operating from. As a Christ-follower, you must be living on purpose, intentionally, strategically being what you are called to be. This must be what the family is about. Without intentionality, this doesn’t ‘just happen.’

That Gives Context to the Command►”Do all things without complaining and disputing”

This is what you would like all of your children to do, right? It is what God would like you to do, too!  We a) almost never get this consistently; b) when we do, we often get it by threat/reward/coercion. How do we break that cycle? Due to human nature, perhaps we do not completely. But we must at least help children understand why they must obey, as He helps us understand why we must.

Purpose of Command (the ‘why’) ►”That you become blameless & harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked & perverse generation”

It shapes them, and us, when they/we obey. It develops character ►creates respect ►opens opportunity ►leads to success of ‘mission’

Someone who obeys without arguing shows maturity, is noticed, gains respect. In essence, they gain a platform. People ask, 'What is different about him/her?' People who give respect, get respect. Furthermore, the self-discipline gained by practicing obedience prepares us for harder challenges.
Means of maintaining the State & Executing the Command►”holding fast the Word of life”

I.e., how do we continually obey and maintain our position as light to the world? Through the Word and the Holy Spirit.

The Word

• is our ‘filter’ for truth
• is instructive
• is Spirit-empowered, thus enhanced and explained by the Spirit
•  comforts us

Put all of this together, and you have purpose and power for the command.

Obeying without complaining is frequently not fun, for us or our children. But as Pastor Doug Sager says, "If you understand 'why,' you can deal with almost any 'how'?" Our God is not a bully who asks us to obey for no reason at all (though He deserves it even if He did). There is purpose behind all He instructs. Let's understand it, and help others do the same.

Teaching Children Through Asking the Right Questions

How often have you said something to your child such as "Do you actually think I believe that?" or, "Now what are you going to do?" or "Got yourself into a fine fix, didn't you?" And as soon as you ask, you launch into a lecture, or begin giving instructions. You asked a 'rhetorical question,' a literary device used for effect, but not expecting an answer.

I suggest that our children will learn more by turning our rhetorical questions to literal questions, then waiting patiently for a reply.

How we execute conversations with our children is vital to how much opportunity we are giving them to truly learn. If we want them to process values and instructions, we must give them more opportunities.

Three reasons the right question at the right time helps:

1 -- It makes them think.
Don't just tell the child the right answer, ask them. "What do you think you should do now?" is much more effective than, "Here's what you should do . . ." It makes them think. It calls upon them to consider what they've learned and how it applies to the current situation.

This takes more time and emotional power from the parent as they work through the answer with the child, but something less than this is often just lazy parenting. It is easier to just tell them the answer, but the child has nothing invested in that. They have not exercised their heart, mind and will to arrive at a solution. They do not get the benefit of the encouragement they feel from fully or partially arriving at the answer on their own.

2 -- It tests their honesty.
 If they tell you what you suspect is a tall tale, and you reply with something like, "Do you expect me to believe that?'" stand there and calmly wait for the answer. You are forcing them to engage their consciounce and choose whether to obey it. If they know Christ, you are forcing them engage the Holy Spirit, who convicts of sin, and counsels them. They will live their life engaging both, so give them more chances.

And if the 'tale' is in fact 'truth,' you are causing them to consider how to explain it better, since their first effort obviously created doubt in your mind.

3 -- It pushes them away from the habit of expecting you to have the solution to everything.
Children are capable of critical, analytical thinking much earlier than we give them credit for (don't believe me? Just consider how early and how well they manipulated you!). The sooner they can process the solutions to their dilemnas -- however small or large they may appear to us -- the more effectively they can live out their walk with Christ and thus their purpose.

Some parents give their children far more guidance than they need into the teen years. They say they have to, because the child can't function without it. Perhaps the child can't function without it because the parent never let them process when they were younger.

Let's me smarter than the average bear when engaging our children about challenges and truth. Let's ask smart questions, wait for answers, then help them by guiding them -- oftentimes with more questions -- to the truths that will answer their questions.

Links & Quotes

* http://ow.ly/16utO - a strong series of radio podcasts featuring Francis Chan, essentially overviewing his must-read, easy-read book, Forgotten God.

* Challenging question repeated on Twitter, not sure of the source: "If I die at 80 and attend church like a good Baptist I'll sit through 12,480 sermons? But how many people will I disciple?"

* http://ow.ly/17sNr -- This is about the complexity of simplicity. It is about the church but you can see the easy application to your home.

* http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/35339424/ns/health-kids_and_parenting/ -- You might want to check out the dancing trend among teens and do a little 'coaching.'

* Hey middle-aged parents, what have you got planned for the final 20 years of your life? Check this out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=60_TmQdxkcI

* "People who are obsessed with God are known as givers, not takers." - Francis Chan

Leaderline for FBConcord Bible Fellowship Leaders

Fellow leaders,

Thanks for making such a great difference. Following is a sequence of some good quotes, links, etc., that may be useful to you at various times in various ways. Perhaps you send an e-mail weekly to your class, or perhaps you'll find one of these fits into class dialogue from time to time. Or maybe they just challenge you. It's good to collect things like this to make points. We always want to be 'thought provoking,' then come behind it with Scripturally truth that guides the thoughts.

But before you get to those, let me remind you of the importance of our Feb. 27, 9 to 11 am (breakfast snacks @ 8:30) leadership training at church. This is a very important time for us. We will be having just three-to-four training times per year. It is vital that we think together, work together and be 'on the same page.' Thanks so much for being there unless providentially hindered. You are very welcome to bring any other class leadership personnel.


* "When we (Christians) don't have a clear sense of what makes us different, we lose our ability to make a difference." - Tullian Tchividjian. Use this one as a discussion starter about 'what is different' (or isn't) about each of you and your family.


* "It's the HARD THINGS in life that bring us to life. the biggest challenges often result in the greatest moments." -- Mark Batterson.

* Most of you lead either parents or, in some form, influencers of young people. Here's a thought-provoking 1 min, 44 sec video about the attitude we need to be encouraging, and the condition of our next generations. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42E2fAWM6rA&feature=youtu.be

* This could provoke a challenging discussion; it's an intriguing thought and I'm not even sure I agree in every instance: "Saying 'I love them but I don't LIKE them' is hypocrisy,self-delusion, and violates agape. 'Love covers all sins.' Prov.10:12 -- Rick Warren.


* "Surrendering to Jesus is laying down my own plans and using my life for the benefit of other people." - -- Rick Warren


* Another thought-provoking discussion starter. "If you are a Christian, does anyone see anything in your life that deserves a supernatural explanation?" -- Dr. Gerald Harris

Purpose, Power and Parenting in Pain

A lady was in my office this afternoon sharing the very difficult challenge in her life. Her pain was evident, yet so was her joy. She was "afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed." (2 Cor. 4:8-9)

She was bleeding. She was bleeding the Word of God. With every issue and challenge she spoke of, the Word of God flowed out of her, either speaking wisdom about the issue or comfort in it.

Why? She told me of being raised in a Godly home where her daddy went into each child's room every night and read the Word and a devotional. The Word, and it's application to life, permeated everything.

When she married, she did similiarly to her children. Now her grown children are a big part of her strength and support through trials, because they feed the Word back to her.

Do you want to safeguard your children from trouble in this life? You can't do it.
Do you want to safeguard your children through trouble in this life? Teach them the Word.

When trouble comes, The Truth will come back to them. It will counsel them, comfort them, embolden them, sustain them. I know. I saw proof today.

Links and Quotes

• http://vimeo.com/9148820 View this 2-minute clip with your children, then discuss the Holy Spirit.
• http://vimeo.com/7152556 View this 5-minute video with your family and then discuss the church and the body of Christ.
• "When we (Christians) don't have a clear sense of what makes us different, we lose our ability to make a difference." - Tullian Tchividjian. Use this one as a discussion starter about 'what is different' (or isn't) about each of you and your family.
• "it's the HARD THINGS in life that bring us to life. the biggest challenges often result in the greatest moments." -- Mark Batterson. If your children don't learn this, they may not grow in Christ, or may not survive the hard times.
• Interesting thoughts on dealing with people who 'cut' themselves. Dads, in particular, pay attention to the need for appropriate affection. http://ow.ly/15xbS

Co-Dependent Parenting --Good, Bad, or God?

One day a person was in my office talking about their life struggles. They spoke with great insight and detail of their thorough co-dependence on someone else who lived in their house.

It shocked them when I said that I, too, was totally co-dependent. I explained that what someone else thinks of me absolutely impacts my mood and decisions almost all day, every day. I told them that if that one is up on me, I'm up on me! If my relationship with them isn't right, I'm off on most everything.

I'm sure the person wondered for a few minutes what in the world they were doing in my office (!) since I was at least as bad off as they were! Then I explained that co-dependency is a very, very good thing -- if you are co-dependent on Jesus Christ.

Let me be honest. I over-stated my point and am not as co-dependent on Him as I need to be! And I at at times co-dependent on humans, which I don't need to be.

Who are you co-depdendent upon? Stick with me. Human co-dependency is defined various ways, but all have to do with the actions of Person A consistently and (almost always) negatively affecting another Person B. That person is essentially being controlled by someone else.

This happens in families, between spouses ('If he/she is OK, I'm OK.' While I totally understand that the emotions of the one you love most should matter to you, if you play that game long, and nobody will be OK!) But here's the stinger: this happens between parent and child.

What happens when a parent is too insecure in their relationship with Christ and that comes out in their dependence on their relationship with a child? That parent loses the true vision of the child's situation and need and is unable to draw boundaries.

You've seen the parent (at times, you may have been the parent) that just can't bear to upset little so-and-so, so they let an offense or habit go. Little so-and-so figures this out, and plays it for all it's worth (it's what humans do . . . ) "Mommy (or Daddy) loves me too much to make me stop X or do Y."

No, Mommy or Daddy can't stand firm enough in their identity with Christ to tell the child 'no' because they need the child's constant approval for emotional support.

Parents, we must

• know who Christ says we are (see Neil T. Anderson's 'Who I Am in Christ'; I can direct you to a copy).
• We must live out of that identity as an individual and parent.
• We must fellowship with Him daily, letting His love and approval wash over us.

Then, though it may hurt our feelings to hurt our children's feelings, so to speak, we can 'be the bad guy,' draw the line, do whatever is necessary without feeling trapped.

I am a parent who believes you can be your child's friend and authority figure, that you can be firm, even hard when necessary, and be tender. But the season's sway. There are times when we are very unpopular.

If you can't stand that, you can't parent effectively.

Links, Quotes,Whiteboard Material


* Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!!! Cue up the computer at home, gather the fam around, and watch this together. It's a no-brainer. (It's also short). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42E2fAWM6rA&feature=youtu.be. Thanks to @drama4three on Twitter for posting.

* Like a person without air, the believer without prayer loses consciousness. -- Pastor Mike Glenn.
It's true for your family, too. A family that is not praying, is not 'breathing in and out' the Spirit of God. They can't have consciousness, i.e., alertness, familiarity, awareness, of what Christ wants. Is your family breathing?

* I was intrigued by a term used in Bill Hull's book Christlike: 'Uncomplicated Obedience.' He says our success as a Christian isn't rated by church attendance or even day-to-day behavior, but by simply whether we practice 'uncomplicated obedience.' Hmmm. That keeps it simple. And maybe we need to keep it that simple with our children . . .

* 1st_Things on Twitter reminds: "Kids of divorce and seperation need to socialize with other single parent kids" because of the empathy. They don't feel as alone or misunderstand. My observation of the point is that this is good, but not something to go over-board with.

* Whiteboard material: Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.-Peter Ustinov, Tweeted by @MarriageNFamily

Identifying & Defeating the Real Opposition

Reading in Numbers 13 and 14, I see a great lesson for me to learn from the faith Joshua and Caleb. You'll recall they are the two spies sent into the land of Canaan by Moses.

The other 10 men were spiritual wimps, seeing only opposition, not opportunity. Joshua and Caleb saw with different eyes. In this story I am struck by the realization of what was the real opposition Joshua and Caleb faced.

Faced with a bad report from the 10, the people were quick to despair, grumbled, and wished they had died! Moses and Aaron fell on their face before their people.

But Joshua and Caleb tore their clothes -- a sign of grief, of horror. They realized the great opposition they faced, and it wasn't giants in the land! It was the spiritual midgets of their own people.

When they spoke to the Israelites, they told of how great the land was, then said, "If the Lord delights in us, He will bring us into this land, for they are our bread; their protection has departed from them, and the Lor d is with us. Do not fear them."

There is much more to the story, but get this:

External circumstances (how big are the giants; how fortified are the cities) do not matter.
Only the favor (or disfavor) of the Lord matters!

Joshua and Caleb said "If the Lord delights in us" . . . "do not rebel against the Lord, nor fear the people of their land, for they are our bread" . . . "their protection has departed from them" . . . "the Lord is with us."

If you KNOW Him. If you know you are on assignment from Him. Then all that matters is that His protection is ON you and thus not on anything that opposes you. God is not double-minded, two-faced. If He has instructed you, He will empower you. Look only at Him.

Note that Joshua and Caleb said that to fear the opposition was to "rebel against the Lord."

I can think of circumstances in my life and our families life where I am in danger of "rebeling against the Lord" by not believing that He will deliver to me what He has promised, or deliver me through what He has promised!

Our opposition -- sometimes people, sometimes circumstances -- often seems giant and well-fortified. When this is what you see, tighten up your relationship with the Lord, narrow your focus to Him.

Learn from Joshua and Caleb.

Equippers Newsletter: Thoughts, Quotes, Links

Today's offering is quote/link intensive because I've become backed up, in a good way, with quality tidbits I wanted to share. I'm sure you'll find at least a decent percentage of this very useful. Much of it gleaned from monitoring preaching and family ministry leaders on Twitter.

All may not appear to be directly related to raising children, but most have principles you need to teach. Or, they are here to strengthen and encourage you.

* Saying "I love them but I don't LIKE them" is hypocrisy,self-delusion, and violates agape. "Love covers all sins" Prov.10:12 -- Rick Warren

* "Surrendering to Jesus is laying down my own plans and using my life for the benefit of other people." - -- Rick Warren

* "Intercessory prayer is love on its knees" -- Allan Taylor

* Consider sharing this 1 minute, 15 second history video with your children. Very educational. A lot of into for a short clip. http://www.onenewsnow.com/ap/vid/default.aspx?videoId=18725

* If you are a Christian, does anyone see anything in your life that deserves a supernatural explanation? -- Dr. Gerald Harris

* Great article on what it means to live in the power of the Gospel: http://www.billygraham.org/News_Article.asp?ArticleID=764

* Will Mancini heard this in a vision-casting session, from a surgeon: "When the nucleas is cohesive the rest of the cell knows what to do; it knows how to multiply." How does that apply to the home? The church?

* "You protect your personal integrity and testimony when you do not fight and do not fuss." -- Charles Stanley

* "To all those who has been hurt loving someone, there's no other remedy but to love some more." -- Run-D.M.C.

* Check out this list of myths about Christian marriages, and read the linked article from Rick Warren: http://blogs.lifeway.com/blog/marriage-family/2010/01/myths-of-a-christian-marriage.html

* A touching blog from a dad about the adoption of two boys from Haiti. It had been in the works for years and came to fruition miraculously after the earthquake. http://aaronivey.com/?p=9593

* Powerful 2 1/2 minute video clip on the relationship between adoption and abortion.
http://www.desiringgod.org/Blog/2208_russell_moore_on_the_connection_between_abortion_and_adoption/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+DGBlog+%28DG+Blog%29&utm_content=Twitter

Jesus Gathered with His Disciples; So Should We!

"Now Judas . . . knew the place, for Jesus often met there with His disciples." -- John 18:2

The latter part of the verse is somewhat obscure, yet it jumped out at me a few days ago. It clearly suggests that Jesus and His disciples met regularly at the same place.

The whole of the Gospels makes clear that Jesus ran with 12 men, pouring His life into them. He 'did life with them,' teaching them truth and showing them compassion as they went went. They were on the go, on mission, learning as they went, empowered as needed.

As my friend and mentor Alvin Reid says, paraphrased, we in conservative U.S. evangelical life have spent generations proving that merely getting bible teaching materials and a group of people together in a room (often called Sunday School) is not creating disciples.

What creates disciples is the act of a mature Christian (or at least one a few steps ahead of his pupil!) showing and teaching a younger Christian what it takes to walk with Christ.

Tertullian wrote, “A disciple is first born then made. He is born by the Spirit of God with the right factory-installed equipment. Then, he must be built, trained and taught, and led to commitment to Jesus Christ.”

The 'factory-installed equipment' is a personal relationship with Christ that causes the Holy Spirit to live in Him. I could write at length about how our discipleship (I prefer to say 'mentor' instead of 'disciple' because church has watered-down and given mixed-meaning to the word 'disciple') is so poor in the Kingdom that most Christians have absolutely no understanding of what it means that they have the Holy Spirit in them. Francis Chan has already expressed that problem and it's solution brilliantly in his latest book Forgotten God. It is a must read.

So what must we do? Mentor/disciple! You are made to be a re-creator. You are commanded to pass on what Jesus has placed in you. The lack of power in the body of Christ today is the responsibility of the Christians who didn't share their growth with the baby believers!

If we are powerless it is because we have been satisfied by mere salvation (it is not 'mere' but I write it for effect) and don't go on to depth and commitment to serve and pour into others. (Such an attitude calls into question whether one is in fact a Christian, but that is another discussion).

I heartily accept the view of Herb Hodge (Tally Ho the Fox): “Discipling is done by someone, not something. It is done by persons, not by programs. It is accomplished by individuals, not by institutions. Technically, Discipling is one Christian person imparting his whole life to another, by example, leadership and relationship. It always involves life transference.”

Life transference does not come in a rote academic program, but as each mentor is led to coach His mentee. The safety is in the fact that the basics of the walk have to be covered, and that the basics of the basics all come from the same Scripture. Beyond that, the Spirit leads the mentor and empowers the mentee.

At First Baptist Concord, we are working to equip more mentors, refine ones we already have, and mentor young (in maturity; age isn't the factor) Christians so they can mentor. (contact me for more info)

It is how spiritual growth happened in Jesus' time, which is consistent with how the early church -- reflected in Acts -- lived.  Our instituationalized church must return to the roots of spiritual formation, we must mentor! The one effectively mentored will mentor, and we'll see multiplication instead of addition. We'll have power because we'll have mature Christians who understand the commands of Christ and, as important, His power and how to have it!

Equippers Newsletter: The Price of Serving Him is Worth It!

On Jan. 12 I stood in a concourse at in the Atlanta airport with 10 other families as we watched 12 children we'd grown to love deeply walk through gates to go 'home' to their 10-to-a-room orphanage in the Ukraine. They'd been with us three weeks, but left a permanent indention in our lives.

(Now hold on, those of you who know our passion for the homeless and may  be tired of it :), this is not a diatribe about that.)

Before we left the concourse and right after the children walked away, the host families (many who had kept their children out of school that day to let them experience the send-off) gathered together, all sad, many in tears. I shared one thought:

"This is part of the price of serving Him and serving His children," I said, paraphrasing now. "I think we would all agree it is worth it."

The Word of God says that true family is body of Christ.
The Word of God says to "let the dead bury their dead."
The Word of God says to leave father and mother to serve.
The Word of God shows a life - Jesus'! - and paints a clear picture of giving sacrificially, pouring ourselves out, which is letting Him flow through.

That paints a picture that, taken out of context, can seem hard and cold. Parents, we have a tender-hearted, bottom-line God. Those two are not in conflict. He is tender-hearted through us and bottom-line when it comes to his command to strip away everything that hinders our service to Him.


That's what those families were doing. And it hurt so good (thank you, John Mellencamp) because Jesus was alive in them! And because of that, Jesus is alive in six of the 12 children, they having come to Christ on the trip (and five being baptized in Jeff & Melissa's Birkholz' bathtub, with 48 people jammed into their master bath to watch!) And some may be coming back to a new life here.

Listen, you don't have to be taking in a child to be pouring yourself out. It's just one example. But to live this life, to know His power, to be obedient, you must be leading your family in service that requires His presence to succeed.

A vital, fundamental passage for the believer who wants to walk with Christ (can there be any other kind?) is 2 Corinthians 1, 3- "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." (emphasise mine)
 
In his great new book Forgotten God, Francis Chan writes, "the Spirit led the first Christians to do unexplainable things, to live lives that didn't make sense to the culture around them, and ultimately to spread the story of God's grace around the world."

Ukraine Kids Welcoming @ FB Concord on Arrival Day

So what are you doing? This isn't intended as a guilt trip. If you feel one, take a step back. Ours is a gracious God. He's calling you, not admonishing you. He's saying, "Let's take a step forward," in service, one that positions your family to be used by Him, positions you and your children to experience His power.

How do you take such steps?
1 -- Prayerfully consider (with your spouse, if married, and with your children, especially the older ones) the passions, gifts and talent your family members have. Literally write down what they are.
2 -- Consider where that might naturally lead you in types of service/ministry. Feel free to consult with a church staff member about opportunities.
3 -- Consider any impediments in family schedule that might keep you from service/ministry. You might have to make hard cuts before you are positioned to serve. 'We don't have time,' is a leadership problem, not a reason.
4 -- Make a move. Do something.

 I'd rather swing-and-miss than stand there while pitches blow by! I have found God to be very gracious about 'aggressive mistakes' (which is not an excuse for recklessness).

All around us are families who want to know His power, but are trapped in the busyness and distraction of our culture. It takes brave parents to break away, position themselves and their children to receive God's power, and then let it flow.

Are you a brave parent? Do you trust Him? Will you obey Him?

We're here to help.

Please respond with any testimonies of God working through your family, or any words of encouragement for other parents.

New Family Photo

How to 'Take the Land' God has Given You

As parents, that 'land' can mean a number of things, but I believe it must include successfully leading our children spiritually. Success could be defined as raising children to know Christ personally, and putting in them the 'mind of Christ' by teaching them the Word and consistently helping them apply it.

Joshua was told He would be given the Land He was to lead God's people into, and that God would "be with you. I will not leave you nor forsake you." (Joshua 1:5)

What I want to point out to you today is what is requires to 'take the land.' In our application, it is what is required to lead our families successfully.

Three times in the next four verses Joshua is told to "be strong and of good courage," once with 'very' before good courage. The Hebrew words used for strong and courage here mean to 'be brave,' 'determined,' 'alert', 'hold fast', 'firm.'

So the first requirement is to be strong and courageous. Parenting frequently requires this. Maybe not is the classic, macho sense of protection and physical strength, but in the emotional fortitude to stand your ground, to confront wrong's your child faces, to stand with them in troubled times. I know Moms and Dads who are not 'strong and courageous' even when facing their child's emotional outbursts -- these parents would rather let the child have their (wrong) way that suffer short-term emotional discomfort. That is wimpy parenting!

The second requirement is be obedient to the Word of God. God tells Joshua in verse 7, "Only be strong and very courageous, that you may observe to do according to all the law which Moes My servant commanded you." Then in verse 8, "This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate in it day and night, that you may observe to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success."

See, God says twice to obey His Word, indicating to speak His Word ("shall not depart from your mouth"), to study His Word comprehensively ("you shall meditate in it day and night").

The third requirement, arguably a sub-point of the second, is that we must be unwavering ("do not turn from it to the right hand or to the left") in our obedience and focus on the Word of God. This instruction comes with a promise: "For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success.")

Parents, don't you want to 'take the land,' i.e., in this illustration, to have victory in the leadership of your family? God wants that for you! Family was His idea. Study His Word, because He know how to do family! He is the 'perfect Father.'

You must strong and courageous! I interrupted writing this blog for a 1-hour discussion with a dad who needed to show 'strength and courage' to face teenagers who were bucking his standards. He needed to know the Word of God more, so he would know what to tell them. He needed to set standards and be unwavering. It's hard work -- but when we know Christ, we have the power of the Holy Spirit!

Today I challenge you as parents -- if you are a couple -- to ask these questions:

In what area of parenting/leadership of the home do I need to show more strength and courage?

Am I being obedient to what God has has instructed me in my personal life and leadership of my family?

Am I unwavering (the contrast is that you are sending mixed signals that destroy confidence and foundation)?

Be strong and courageous!

NOTES, QUOTES, LINKS, COMMENTS & COOL STUFF!

1 -- "But the Lord said to me, 'Do not say, "I am only a child," ' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you." -- Jeremiah 1:7. Now this is an interesting verse in context of a family with teens. When do you trust your kids to act and speak 'as the Spirit leads,' and when do you not? We must trust them to some extent, and yet their view cannot be that they are free to speak as they wish and hide behind it.

2 -- "Work hard and become a leader; be lazy and become a slave." -- Proverbs 12:24. Robin Bryce (RobinBryce on Twitter) comments that this is a 'no brainer, but not easy.' So many people take the 'easy' way out, and it turns out not to be easy! Let's teach our kids EARLY how to work, and the virtues of leadership will rise in them as they do it.

3 -- "No one can become my disciple without giving up everything for me." -- Luke 14:33. Soooo, how do you teach that one to your children? It should be a thought-provoking, soul-searching, Scripture-mining question. 'Giving up everything' is not what our culture and the 'American Dream' is about. How do we begin to change that in our home? Feel free to comment on this blog so I and others can consider.

4 -- In context of the national championship football game tonight (Thursday), see Colt McCoy's strong testimony at http://www.iamsecond.com/.

5 -- You know it's a God idea when you don't have the people, resources, or even a clue of how to do it, but it will bring Him glory! (via @Barbaragraves on Twitter). So what is your family doing that requires God?

6 -- "Once we get intimate with Jesus we are never lonely and we never lack for understanding or compassion." -- Oswald Chambers. This is a vital truth that we must work, work, work to help our children understand. It will protect them from wrong relationships by send them to the right source for comfort!

7 -- Great interview with Alex Kendrick -- director of Facing the Giants and Fireproof -- on being a courageous Father. http://www.billygraham.org/News_Article.asp?ArticleID=757

Exasperation & Condemnation vs. Holy Spirit Conviction in Parenting

As parents, we must make sure our children know the difference between us, and the Holy Spirit. (I'm speaking primarily of children ages 10-plus who have given their life to Christ and thus have the ability to understand the Holy Spirit and have His presence).

As moms and dads, we often so passionately desire to see change that we press, press, press our children. We pound. We cojule. We punish. We rant.

That doesn't look much like the Holy Spirit!

There is an easier and more effective way. Stick with me here; this is important!

In Paul's second letter to the Corinthians, chapter 7, he wrote, "For although I grieved you with my letter, I do not regret it -- even though I did regret it since I saw that the letter grieved you, though only for a little while. Now I am rejoicing, not because you were grieved, but because your grief led to repentance. For you were grieved as God willed, so that you didn't experience any loss from us. For Godly grief produces a repentance not to be regretted and leading to salvation, but worldly grief produces death."

Let's relate this to parenting.  Paul had written a letter in which he pointed out some sin to the Christians at Corinth. He says in essence, "I know it hurt your feelings, and it hurt mine to write it, but it was necessary."

When you speak to your children about sin -- a particular one, or a trait that is sin, or a sinful habit -- it is the same. You may 'hurt their feelings,' and it hurts yours to do it. But it is necessary. Why? Paul says, again paraphrased, "Because it caused you to repent. God used me to produce hurt in you that turned you to Him to solve the problem, and now you've done the right thing."

Listen -- this is crucial! While God absolutely uses you to instruct your children, be very, very mindful of the fact that once a child has accepted Christ and shown the seeds of repentance in an issues you are dealing with, the Holy Spirit is able to directly deal with Him.

This does not take all the responsibility for correction off of you, but it strongly repositions you to to allow Him to be more effective.

Once a child has reached this point, we must be especially careful not to exasperate and condemn them with verbal attacks and over-the-top discipline. So often when the child has shown the seed of repentance, we can simply go to the child as Paul did and calmly say, in essence, "Here's an action/attitude/habit I see recurring in you. You know it is sin and I see that the Holy Spirit dealing with you on it. I know you love Christ and I'm so thankful for that, and since He lives in you, I'm just pointing this out and telling you that I expect you to deal with Him on it right now, and I expect change."

Now, is it all that simple? Sometimes, but obviously not always. That child may ignore the urging of the Spirit through the parent, and you may have to issue consequences and be tougher. But try it. Let the Holy Spirit do His work.

As parents we must desire that the motive for right action by our children -- as children and later as adults -- is that it honors God, NOT merely that they will be punished by us if they don't act right, and NOT merely that they might hurt or offend us if they don't act right.

When they leave your home, your discpline won't be a motive. In most cases, even how they impact your 'feelings' won't be a motive because you won't see all. They must be accustomed to the conviction and counsel of the Holy Spirit. They cannot be accustomed to this if we as parents do not put them in the position to hear from and respond to Him.

Parenting this way -- again, once they a) know Christ; b) understand the Holy Spirit (you much teach them!), c) have shown the seeds of repentance -- is so very freeing! As a teen or pre-teen increases in responsiveness to the Spirit, your job is so much easier as you feel less 'emotional weight,' less stress to 'be God to them,' which is what many of us try to unwittingly do when we don't let the Spirit do His work.

There is balance in this. The pre-conditions of the previous paragraph are vital. I am not suggesting you abdicate your God-given role as parent. But the Spirit is capable of moving your children to genuine repentance and change.

How did it turn out when Paul led this way? The passage continues, "For consider how much diligence this very thing -- this grieving as God wills -- has produced in you: what a desire to clear yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what deep longing, what zeal, what justice! In every way you have commended yourself to be pure in this matter."

That's what I want to be able to say about my children!

Kids' Fear Homes Falling Apart, But the Word Has an Answer!

A recent anonymous polling of the concerns of a large group of middle schoolers in a youth worship service revealed that the biggest issue on most of their minds were a) the security of their home; b) Dad's.

In other words, many middle school students sense the instability in their homes -- many actually fearing it will break apart -- and many see major concerns with their fathers. (Experientially, I see no reason why the data would be any different for high school students).

While the students may not realize it, those two are essentially the same concern. It all starts with leadership, and in the two-parent home, that means with Dad.

As I was contemplating this information and preparing to teaching my Equippers of Middle Schoolers class, the Holy Spirit gave me two passages to unpack: 2 Chronicles 7:14 and Ephesians 5:22-26.

Before we look at their implication for the home, every parent or set of parents should challenge themselves with these, related, question: Is this home stable? Is the marriage secure? Are we built on rock or sand? Is this an emotionally and spiritually safe place?

These are healthy and harmless things to ask. The parent(s) that come away feeling confident that they are largley 'on track' in their walk are simply reassured in the Spirit. Everyone else will know work is needed.

And the work begins with revival. 'Revival' in the typical, Southern, evangelical culture is a funny thing. A sad thing, but a funny thing. So many churches have 'revivals' with no real goal for what they are seeking (an evangelistic outreach, or a revival of the church?). Pastors and deacons cry out, begging God to 'send revival.' This is totally unnecessary. God told us exactly how to have revival. He is not always a God of formulas, but in the case of revival, He is. And the formula works at home as well as in the church body.

But before the formula (7:14), let's look at the context. The Lord told Solomon, recorded in v. 13, "When I shut up heaven and there is no rain, or command the locusts to devour the land, or send pestilence among my people"

In other words, when things are bad, when it appears my hand is not on you, do this:

"If My people who are called by my name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land."

Daddys, your land is your home, your family. I believe the above will apply to families. When you know you are unstable, lead your family in repentance, and let it start with you! You must:

a) humble yourself. No cocky, I've-got-it-figured-out, I'm-the-boss mentality. Return to your Lord in humilty. Let your family see it, too!
b) Pray, and seek His face. I think it says "seek my face" to help us understand that our God doesn't want a rote, religious, here's-my-list-of-stuff-for-you-to-do prayer. He wants intimate fellowship, two-way communication, face-down-heart-up prayer.
c) Through a) and b) you'll be made away of what to repent of, then you must "turn from (your) wicked ways."

Folks, if any daddy, or single mommy, will do this, revival will come to that home! Forgiveness will come. Healing will begin. Emotional bondage will reduce or be eliminated. Stress will decline. The power of the Holy Spirit will begin to flow.

You notice that the best way for this to work is for Daddy to lead. That takes us to the other passage God told me to teach: Ephesians 5:22-26.

This passage speaks of the God-ordained role of husband and wife, and how they are to execute those roles. When we get those roles out of order, the whole thing messes up. Perhaps the biggest real reason kids think their families are falling apart is because Dad's have abdicated their role, and Mom is the spiritual leader. Or there is none. Or Mom is embittered because Dad has abandoned the role. It gets pretty complex emotionally.

The Word tells us the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is head of the church, and that he is to love her as Christ loved the church and as he loves his own body. If a man really did that, a woman would never have issue with her position! If a man really did that -- love his wife as Christ loved the church (sacrifically, her interests first, gently but firmly) -- there would be profound stability and safety in the home.

Furthermore, an illustration used is that Christ sanctifies and cleanses the church by the washing her with the Word. This is the way it is to be at home, too! Husbands, sanctify and cleanse your home by teaching and praying the Word of God over your family daily. Let it be central. By instruction to you to give them, and by direct revelation, the Holy Spirit will use the word to cleanse and sanctify your family!

And yet the church today has even made this hard for man, implicitly posturing ourselves (ordained men, elders, teachers) as the experts who must teach the Word. No, daddy's must teach the Word! The Holy Spirit is there to help you. Pastors and books and many helps are there to assist, but Daddy's must deliver the Word.

In short, the stability of the home today does not rest in some complicated psychology or complex process. There are many books out there about the family (I wrote one), but the answer does not come from books, but from The Book, and the simple, direct, powerful instruction it gives that will transform.

We need to repent, and we need to keep or make the order in the home what God said it should be.

Pardon me if I'm a simple man, but I do think it is that simple.

Do You Know How Powerful He is in You?

"Now to Him Who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen." -- Ephesians 3:20 (ESV)

The New King James says, "exceedingly abundantly above all." Can't you just imagine Paul ,the earthly writer of this text, hearing the thought from the Holy Spirit and trying to get it into words? What joyous frustration to try to express how totally and incomprehensibly our Perfect God can transform things. Paul did the best he could -- and God annointed it as the Word -- when he put down a string of adjectives that were still not enough.

Indeed, our God can do "far more abundantly than all we ask or think" in any situation in our lives. Come up with your best-case solution to all problems. Come up with your vision for the maximine impact He could make through you. God can top that!

How? "According to the power at work within us." Who is that? The Holy Spirit. Are you getting that GOD LIVES IN YOU by the Spirit? Or are you going about life with a religious non-power, a self-made, slightly hopeful effort that if you beg God long enough and wear yourself out enough you might make a dent of good in this world? The Spirit of God is in you!

Go live like it. Give Him the glory all the time. It will bring glory to God, to the church, and will impact eternity. Believe the Word. Share in Paul's healthy frustration of trying to expressing His power by experiencing Him so powerfully you don't even know how to say it!

Ministering with Laser Focus

Do you believe in a God who is able to re-arrange circumstances and position you to do what He has called you to do? If not, you will never do that thing.

I believe we should all minister with laser focus, seeking to do exactly what God has passionately put on our hearts to do. Do you know what it is? Do you know your spiritual shape? Your shape is your spiritual gifts, heart, ability, personality and experience, which combine to give you more than a very strong clue what you are made to do. (See S.H.A.P.E., Eric Rees with Rick Warren)

Are you telling the leaders of your church and those you know in ministry what is that shape? (Or letting them help you discover it?) Are you seeking to re-arrange (prioritize, focus, train, etc.) in such a way that you can carry out your purpose?

Don’t live a half-hearted cultural Christianity that whines, ‘I think I’d be good at X, but I just can’t seem to find a place to serve.’ Garbage!

Or that whines, ‘I’d serve God more if I just had some special gift, but I don’t.’ You deny the truth of the Word to think such a thing!

YOU were created to consistently make an impact on a lost world in at least one significant way. Search it out. Then act on it. Live with a laser focus. Jesus did. And if you know Him, He lives in -- and through! -- you.

Relationship Building -- Just Be There!

The old saying, 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder' might have very limited, practical application in romantic relationships, but if applied to parenting it is a bonafide disaster.

As we approach Thanksgiving, and then Christmas (in reality, it has all rolled into one, so much so that the business world from this week on says, 'Get back to me in the new year'), my strong encouragement is to be with your children.

I don't mean to merely be present. I mean to be in relationship with them. Pastor Sager said Sunday, "When you're in love, presence communicates; you don't always need words." The same is true in some instances with parenting -- you don't always have to be 'having a talk' or working on a school project. They just want to be with us as we do . . . well, whatever we do! Decorating the tree or the house. Fixing a meal (I know it would be easier to do it yourself, but it wouldn't be better).

As the maddening busyness of the holidays begins to take over your calendar, mind and emotions, take control and create relational time with each of your immediate family members. Plan times of nothing but being together. Or, plan times of being together in an activity that does not require so much of the mind that you functionally don't know you're together. Plan one-on-ones with the kids (and the spouse).

Go see 'Christmas Carol' and 'The Blindside' as a family, then talk about them, laugh about the funny parts, flesh out any life lessons in each.

If you don't take control of your holidays, they will stress you, stress your children, perpetuate the American Cultural Serve-Me Stuff Grab, and widening the relational gap between you and the ones you love most.

Don't let it happen.

Links & Quotes

• This is good stuff! A great way to build relationship with and connect deeply with your child, especially 10s-to-14s. http://impulsivejoy.blogspot.com/2009/11/tell-me-story.html
• Great conversation starter over Thanksgiving: What do you want to be known for? Check this out. http://blog.stocksohio.com/2009/11/17/what-do-you-want-to-be-known-for-another-jacob-moment/
• Google goes safe for your kids. http://uptownkids.tv/wordpress/?p=2234
• "I must learn life’s lessons today in order to experience life’s successes tomorrow. Success tastes best when you pass those lessons on." -- from @MikeLandry on Twitter.
• "A true friend is the one who walks into the room when everyone else is walking out." -- from @IkeReighard.
• "A true disciple inquires not whether a fact is agreeable to his own reason, but whether it is in The Book." - Adoniram Judson, via @JoshuaHarris

Preserved By God

"Preserve me, O God, for in You I put my trust." -- Psalm 16:1

Isn't that a great way to start your week? By calling out to God to preserve you, and affirming your trust in Him?

To preserve something means to keep it from decay, to keep it from 'ruining.' I don't want to ruin! I want to live in power for Jesus! The world is decaying -- I don't want to keep up with the world! Man's mind is decaying. The moral and ethical standard is decaying. Man is off-center, missing the mark (sinning!).

Instead, you and I want to be preserved.

You've probably eaten 'preserves' before, often meaning a jam or jelly that your mother or grandmother may have preserved. What do you do to preserve something? You put it in something that will

• Protect from the outside
• Maintain (preserve) it's freshness and and quality

That's what we want for the Life of Christ in us! We should ask our Father to protect us from the outside, from the temptations and attacks that could diminish our ruin the quality of character and gifts God has given us, and thus render us useless.

There are approximately 18 Hebrew words used to 'preserve' and they all have a different inkling. This one, 'Shamar' is overwhelmingly interpreted to mean 'to keep,' 'to observe' and 'to guard,' thus translated 'preserve.' The theme of God's protection of His chosen people is overwhelming in the Old Testament, with 440 forms of reference to preserving.

If you know Christ, God has put in you purpose, peace, power, spiritual giftedness. Let's go forward this week knowing we are protected and thus empowered to impact everyone around us.

How to Raise Thankful Children, Part I

Define Thankfulness
Give some serious thought and come up with your own answer.
Mine: Expressed appreciation and evident valuing of a blessing
Expressed because it should be stated, but evident because many people express insincerely. In other words, one should show his thankfulness by his life

James MacDonald, in his excellent book, 'Lord, Change My Attitude', says, “Thankfulness is the attitude that perfectly displaces my sinful tendency to complain and thereby releases joy and blessing into my life.”

Luke 17:11-19
“Now it happened as He went to Jerusalem that He passed through the midst of Samaria and Galilee. Then as He entered a certain village there met Him ten men who were lepers, who stood afar off. And they lifted up their voices and said, ‘Jesus, Master, have mercy of us!’ So when He saw them He said to them, ‘Go, show yourselves to the priests.’ And so it was that as they went, they were cleansed. And one of them, when he saw that he was healed, returned, and with a loud voice glorified God, and fell down on his face at His feet, giving Him thanks. And he was a Samaritan. So Jesus answered and said, ‘Were there not ten cleansed? But where are the nine? Were there not any found who returned to give glory to God except this foreigner?’ And He said to him, ‘Arise, go your way. Your faith has made you well.’ “

Thankfulness Is Engendered by Genuine Obedience
But as this story shows, Obedience isn’t always Genuine

Jesus tells them to go show themselves to the priests (they had to do this to have permission to go back to their families), so they headed off in that direction. “as they went” they were cleansed. Game over for nine of them!

Nine lepers displayed temporary, pragmatic obedience. This is often what our children do, and frankly, often what WE do. They obeyed up to the point that they got what they wanted, then they were done with Jesus, done with the leader, the authority, the parent, etc.

We must teach and demand obedience from our children, not just because we are the authority – though that is true – but because it engenders the qualities that lead to real thankfulness

How? By giving value to authority, to leadership, to power, and thus giving context that engenders thankfulness. Have you ever seen a thankful disobedient child or person?

Humility is a Pre-Requisite for Obedience
“And one of them, when he saw” . . .

We must see with obedience and humility that gives context to life. He saw a contrast. He saw that he was a leper but now was healed. He realized he could go to his family, if he had a wife and kids, he could touch them. He didn’t have to live the humiliation of yelling ‘unclean’ everywhere he went.

The other nine lepers were self-focused. Their obedience was not genuine; well, it may have been genuine but it was genuinely self-serving! The disingenuous person is rarely thankful. Sincerity isn’t evident in his life, because his life is about himself.

We must teach about humility. That starts by showing some! Study it. Observe it. Point it out. Let many teachable moments be about humility.

Humility and Obedience lead to Thankfulness
This is the obvious conclusion once the issue is studied, though on the surface, they might not be obvious qualities related to humility

“when he saw that he was healed, returned, and with a loud voice glorified God, and fell down on his face at His feet, giving Him thanks”

And Jesus told Him
“your faith has made you well”

The first nine didn’t leave significantly better off; they were still self-serving, they were still lepers on the inside
The genuinely obedient and humble man was changed -- outside and inside