Exasperation & Condemnation vs. Holy Spirit Conviction in Parenting

As parents, we must make sure our children know the difference between us, and the Holy Spirit. (I'm speaking primarily of children ages 10-plus who have given their life to Christ and thus have the ability to understand the Holy Spirit and have His presence).

As moms and dads, we often so passionately desire to see change that we press, press, press our children. We pound. We cojule. We punish. We rant.

That doesn't look much like the Holy Spirit!

There is an easier and more effective way. Stick with me here; this is important!

In Paul's second letter to the Corinthians, chapter 7, he wrote, "For although I grieved you with my letter, I do not regret it -- even though I did regret it since I saw that the letter grieved you, though only for a little while. Now I am rejoicing, not because you were grieved, but because your grief led to repentance. For you were grieved as God willed, so that you didn't experience any loss from us. For Godly grief produces a repentance not to be regretted and leading to salvation, but worldly grief produces death."

Let's relate this to parenting.  Paul had written a letter in which he pointed out some sin to the Christians at Corinth. He says in essence, "I know it hurt your feelings, and it hurt mine to write it, but it was necessary."

When you speak to your children about sin -- a particular one, or a trait that is sin, or a sinful habit -- it is the same. You may 'hurt their feelings,' and it hurts yours to do it. But it is necessary. Why? Paul says, again paraphrased, "Because it caused you to repent. God used me to produce hurt in you that turned you to Him to solve the problem, and now you've done the right thing."

Listen -- this is crucial! While God absolutely uses you to instruct your children, be very, very mindful of the fact that once a child has accepted Christ and shown the seeds of repentance in an issues you are dealing with, the Holy Spirit is able to directly deal with Him.

This does not take all the responsibility for correction off of you, but it strongly repositions you to to allow Him to be more effective.

Once a child has reached this point, we must be especially careful not to exasperate and condemn them with verbal attacks and over-the-top discipline. So often when the child has shown the seed of repentance, we can simply go to the child as Paul did and calmly say, in essence, "Here's an action/attitude/habit I see recurring in you. You know it is sin and I see that the Holy Spirit dealing with you on it. I know you love Christ and I'm so thankful for that, and since He lives in you, I'm just pointing this out and telling you that I expect you to deal with Him on it right now, and I expect change."

Now, is it all that simple? Sometimes, but obviously not always. That child may ignore the urging of the Spirit through the parent, and you may have to issue consequences and be tougher. But try it. Let the Holy Spirit do His work.

As parents we must desire that the motive for right action by our children -- as children and later as adults -- is that it honors God, NOT merely that they will be punished by us if they don't act right, and NOT merely that they might hurt or offend us if they don't act right.

When they leave your home, your discpline won't be a motive. In most cases, even how they impact your 'feelings' won't be a motive because you won't see all. They must be accustomed to the conviction and counsel of the Holy Spirit. They cannot be accustomed to this if we as parents do not put them in the position to hear from and respond to Him.

Parenting this way -- again, once they a) know Christ; b) understand the Holy Spirit (you much teach them!), c) have shown the seeds of repentance -- is so very freeing! As a teen or pre-teen increases in responsiveness to the Spirit, your job is so much easier as you feel less 'emotional weight,' less stress to 'be God to them,' which is what many of us try to unwittingly do when we don't let the Spirit do His work.

There is balance in this. The pre-conditions of the previous paragraph are vital. I am not suggesting you abdicate your God-given role as parent. But the Spirit is capable of moving your children to genuine repentance and change.

How did it turn out when Paul led this way? The passage continues, "For consider how much diligence this very thing -- this grieving as God wills -- has produced in you: what a desire to clear yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what deep longing, what zeal, what justice! In every way you have commended yourself to be pure in this matter."

That's what I want to be able to say about my children!