Family Update -- Biological Mom of Danny, Caryn, Morgan Dies

Some of you know that the biological mother of three of our children Morgan (11), Caryn (14) and Danny (20) died tragically Friday. Her name was Celine Farrah, 42. We thank God for her giving birth to her five children, whom we have the privilege of adopting three and briefly helping raise another. Only David (23, raised with his dad and his wife who he knew as 'mom,' south of San Francisco) have we not helped raise, but we have a great relationship with this Godly young man.

Ciara, 18, was with us 9 months when the children came to us six years ago, then her dad was found and she lives with him near Sacramento.
Of those people who know, many have inquired about when they might see the kids to encourage or pray with them. They and we are very thankful for your love! Therefore, Monday night, March 1, from 6:30-8 pm there will be a drop-by visitation with Morgan, Caryn and Danny Lee -- as well as Ciara and David -- in the lobby of the Student Building @fbconcord. We pick up Ciara at the airport at 5 p.m., and it will be the first time the five of them have EVER been together. (though they've all seen each other in smaller groups).

This will not formally be a 'service' for Celine, but merely a chance for the kids to gather, have some closure, and be encouraged and comforted by friends.

Danny is living on his own and has seen Celine off-and-on the past two years. He is hit pretty hard by this.

Caryn and Morgan had not seen or talked with her for four years. Because of her age, Caryn remembers much, much more. She had great concern for Celine. She is certainly hurt but is coping well. Like Morgan, she is well entrenched with us as Mom and Dad and is grounded by that. Morgan, on the surface, appears unaffected.

David and Ciara were in contact with Celine regularly, but both are well-grounded in other families with other dad and mom's. They, too, are hurting but managing well.

Finally, pray for Ciara in particular. Her dad's wife, Hazel, has become her 'mom' over the past five years, and Hazel's life is in great danger due to a brain hemorrage. She had another emergency surgery today/Sunday. Ciara could lose two 'moms' in one week.

If you have distribution lists (Western Heights group, Fusion, etc.) feel free to forward this so the kids' friends all know.

We know schedules are complex, so don't feel obliged to come by; we just wanted to present the kids this opportunity to be loved.

Thankfully,

Victor & Judy Lee

A Somber Morgan, Danny, Caryn, taken by David in church this morning.

Obey & Don't Complain -- Why?

The command is given in multiple contexts of your life, to you and by you: "Just do as you're told." That's a loose translation of Philippians 2:14, "Do all things without complaining and disputing."

Probably as often as it is commanded, you or someone you are speaking to asks, "Why?" Good question! Let's answer it biblically. (I first taught this for parents, and the notes below reflect that, but since you are a child of God, i.e., He is your Father, you will easily understand.)

First, here's the passage:
Philippians 2

12 "Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; 13 for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure. 14 Do all things without complaining and disputing, 15 that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, 16 holding fast the word of life, so that I may rejoice in the day of Christ that I have not run in vain or labored in vain."

We Must Understand the State of the Believer► ”lights in the world”

To understand the context, the one obeying must understand the position they are operating from. As a Christ-follower, you must be living on purpose, intentionally, strategically being what you are called to be. This must be what the family is about. Without intentionality, this doesn’t ‘just happen.’

That Gives Context to the Command►”Do all things without complaining and disputing”

This is what you would like all of your children to do, right? It is what God would like you to do, too!  We a) almost never get this consistently; b) when we do, we often get it by threat/reward/coercion. How do we break that cycle? Due to human nature, perhaps we do not completely. But we must at least help children understand why they must obey, as He helps us understand why we must.

Purpose of Command (the ‘why’) ►”That you become blameless & harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked & perverse generation”

It shapes them, and us, when they/we obey. It develops character ►creates respect ►opens opportunity ►leads to success of ‘mission’

Someone who obeys without arguing shows maturity, is noticed, gains respect. In essence, they gain a platform. People ask, 'What is different about him/her?' People who give respect, get respect. Furthermore, the self-discipline gained by practicing obedience prepares us for harder challenges.
Means of maintaining the State & Executing the Command►”holding fast the Word of life”

I.e., how do we continually obey and maintain our position as light to the world? Through the Word and the Holy Spirit.

The Word

• is our ‘filter’ for truth
• is instructive
• is Spirit-empowered, thus enhanced and explained by the Spirit
•  comforts us

Put all of this together, and you have purpose and power for the command.

Obeying without complaining is frequently not fun, for us or our children. But as Pastor Doug Sager says, "If you understand 'why,' you can deal with almost any 'how'?" Our God is not a bully who asks us to obey for no reason at all (though He deserves it even if He did). There is purpose behind all He instructs. Let's understand it, and help others do the same.

Teaching Children Through Asking the Right Questions

How often have you said something to your child such as "Do you actually think I believe that?" or, "Now what are you going to do?" or "Got yourself into a fine fix, didn't you?" And as soon as you ask, you launch into a lecture, or begin giving instructions. You asked a 'rhetorical question,' a literary device used for effect, but not expecting an answer.

I suggest that our children will learn more by turning our rhetorical questions to literal questions, then waiting patiently for a reply.

How we execute conversations with our children is vital to how much opportunity we are giving them to truly learn. If we want them to process values and instructions, we must give them more opportunities.

Three reasons the right question at the right time helps:

1 -- It makes them think.
Don't just tell the child the right answer, ask them. "What do you think you should do now?" is much more effective than, "Here's what you should do . . ." It makes them think. It calls upon them to consider what they've learned and how it applies to the current situation.

This takes more time and emotional power from the parent as they work through the answer with the child, but something less than this is often just lazy parenting. It is easier to just tell them the answer, but the child has nothing invested in that. They have not exercised their heart, mind and will to arrive at a solution. They do not get the benefit of the encouragement they feel from fully or partially arriving at the answer on their own.

2 -- It tests their honesty.
 If they tell you what you suspect is a tall tale, and you reply with something like, "Do you expect me to believe that?'" stand there and calmly wait for the answer. You are forcing them to engage their consciounce and choose whether to obey it. If they know Christ, you are forcing them engage the Holy Spirit, who convicts of sin, and counsels them. They will live their life engaging both, so give them more chances.

And if the 'tale' is in fact 'truth,' you are causing them to consider how to explain it better, since their first effort obviously created doubt in your mind.

3 -- It pushes them away from the habit of expecting you to have the solution to everything.
Children are capable of critical, analytical thinking much earlier than we give them credit for (don't believe me? Just consider how early and how well they manipulated you!). The sooner they can process the solutions to their dilemnas -- however small or large they may appear to us -- the more effectively they can live out their walk with Christ and thus their purpose.

Some parents give their children far more guidance than they need into the teen years. They say they have to, because the child can't function without it. Perhaps the child can't function without it because the parent never let them process when they were younger.

Let's me smarter than the average bear when engaging our children about challenges and truth. Let's ask smart questions, wait for answers, then help them by guiding them -- oftentimes with more questions -- to the truths that will answer their questions.

Links & Quotes

* http://ow.ly/16utO - a strong series of radio podcasts featuring Francis Chan, essentially overviewing his must-read, easy-read book, Forgotten God.

* Challenging question repeated on Twitter, not sure of the source: "If I die at 80 and attend church like a good Baptist I'll sit through 12,480 sermons? But how many people will I disciple?"

* http://ow.ly/17sNr -- This is about the complexity of simplicity. It is about the church but you can see the easy application to your home.

* http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/35339424/ns/health-kids_and_parenting/ -- You might want to check out the dancing trend among teens and do a little 'coaching.'

* Hey middle-aged parents, what have you got planned for the final 20 years of your life? Check this out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=60_TmQdxkcI

* "People who are obsessed with God are known as givers, not takers." - Francis Chan

Leaderline for FBConcord Bible Fellowship Leaders

Fellow leaders,

Thanks for making such a great difference. Following is a sequence of some good quotes, links, etc., that may be useful to you at various times in various ways. Perhaps you send an e-mail weekly to your class, or perhaps you'll find one of these fits into class dialogue from time to time. Or maybe they just challenge you. It's good to collect things like this to make points. We always want to be 'thought provoking,' then come behind it with Scripturally truth that guides the thoughts.

But before you get to those, let me remind you of the importance of our Feb. 27, 9 to 11 am (breakfast snacks @ 8:30) leadership training at church. This is a very important time for us. We will be having just three-to-four training times per year. It is vital that we think together, work together and be 'on the same page.' Thanks so much for being there unless providentially hindered. You are very welcome to bring any other class leadership personnel.


* "When we (Christians) don't have a clear sense of what makes us different, we lose our ability to make a difference." - Tullian Tchividjian. Use this one as a discussion starter about 'what is different' (or isn't) about each of you and your family.


* "It's the HARD THINGS in life that bring us to life. the biggest challenges often result in the greatest moments." -- Mark Batterson.

* Most of you lead either parents or, in some form, influencers of young people. Here's a thought-provoking 1 min, 44 sec video about the attitude we need to be encouraging, and the condition of our next generations. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42E2fAWM6rA&feature=youtu.be

* This could provoke a challenging discussion; it's an intriguing thought and I'm not even sure I agree in every instance: "Saying 'I love them but I don't LIKE them' is hypocrisy,self-delusion, and violates agape. 'Love covers all sins.' Prov.10:12 -- Rick Warren.


* "Surrendering to Jesus is laying down my own plans and using my life for the benefit of other people." - -- Rick Warren


* Another thought-provoking discussion starter. "If you are a Christian, does anyone see anything in your life that deserves a supernatural explanation?" -- Dr. Gerald Harris

Purpose, Power and Parenting in Pain

A lady was in my office this afternoon sharing the very difficult challenge in her life. Her pain was evident, yet so was her joy. She was "afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed." (2 Cor. 4:8-9)

She was bleeding. She was bleeding the Word of God. With every issue and challenge she spoke of, the Word of God flowed out of her, either speaking wisdom about the issue or comfort in it.

Why? She told me of being raised in a Godly home where her daddy went into each child's room every night and read the Word and a devotional. The Word, and it's application to life, permeated everything.

When she married, she did similiarly to her children. Now her grown children are a big part of her strength and support through trials, because they feed the Word back to her.

Do you want to safeguard your children from trouble in this life? You can't do it.
Do you want to safeguard your children through trouble in this life? Teach them the Word.

When trouble comes, The Truth will come back to them. It will counsel them, comfort them, embolden them, sustain them. I know. I saw proof today.

Links and Quotes

• http://vimeo.com/9148820 View this 2-minute clip with your children, then discuss the Holy Spirit.
• http://vimeo.com/7152556 View this 5-minute video with your family and then discuss the church and the body of Christ.
• "When we (Christians) don't have a clear sense of what makes us different, we lose our ability to make a difference." - Tullian Tchividjian. Use this one as a discussion starter about 'what is different' (or isn't) about each of you and your family.
• "it's the HARD THINGS in life that bring us to life. the biggest challenges often result in the greatest moments." -- Mark Batterson. If your children don't learn this, they may not grow in Christ, or may not survive the hard times.
• Interesting thoughts on dealing with people who 'cut' themselves. Dads, in particular, pay attention to the need for appropriate affection. http://ow.ly/15xbS

Co-Dependent Parenting --Good, Bad, or God?

One day a person was in my office talking about their life struggles. They spoke with great insight and detail of their thorough co-dependence on someone else who lived in their house.

It shocked them when I said that I, too, was totally co-dependent. I explained that what someone else thinks of me absolutely impacts my mood and decisions almost all day, every day. I told them that if that one is up on me, I'm up on me! If my relationship with them isn't right, I'm off on most everything.

I'm sure the person wondered for a few minutes what in the world they were doing in my office (!) since I was at least as bad off as they were! Then I explained that co-dependency is a very, very good thing -- if you are co-dependent on Jesus Christ.

Let me be honest. I over-stated my point and am not as co-dependent on Him as I need to be! And I at at times co-dependent on humans, which I don't need to be.

Who are you co-depdendent upon? Stick with me. Human co-dependency is defined various ways, but all have to do with the actions of Person A consistently and (almost always) negatively affecting another Person B. That person is essentially being controlled by someone else.

This happens in families, between spouses ('If he/she is OK, I'm OK.' While I totally understand that the emotions of the one you love most should matter to you, if you play that game long, and nobody will be OK!) But here's the stinger: this happens between parent and child.

What happens when a parent is too insecure in their relationship with Christ and that comes out in their dependence on their relationship with a child? That parent loses the true vision of the child's situation and need and is unable to draw boundaries.

You've seen the parent (at times, you may have been the parent) that just can't bear to upset little so-and-so, so they let an offense or habit go. Little so-and-so figures this out, and plays it for all it's worth (it's what humans do . . . ) "Mommy (or Daddy) loves me too much to make me stop X or do Y."

No, Mommy or Daddy can't stand firm enough in their identity with Christ to tell the child 'no' because they need the child's constant approval for emotional support.

Parents, we must

• know who Christ says we are (see Neil T. Anderson's 'Who I Am in Christ'; I can direct you to a copy).
• We must live out of that identity as an individual and parent.
• We must fellowship with Him daily, letting His love and approval wash over us.

Then, though it may hurt our feelings to hurt our children's feelings, so to speak, we can 'be the bad guy,' draw the line, do whatever is necessary without feeling trapped.

I am a parent who believes you can be your child's friend and authority figure, that you can be firm, even hard when necessary, and be tender. But the season's sway. There are times when we are very unpopular.

If you can't stand that, you can't parent effectively.

Links, Quotes,Whiteboard Material


* Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!!! Cue up the computer at home, gather the fam around, and watch this together. It's a no-brainer. (It's also short). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42E2fAWM6rA&feature=youtu.be. Thanks to @drama4three on Twitter for posting.

* Like a person without air, the believer without prayer loses consciousness. -- Pastor Mike Glenn.
It's true for your family, too. A family that is not praying, is not 'breathing in and out' the Spirit of God. They can't have consciousness, i.e., alertness, familiarity, awareness, of what Christ wants. Is your family breathing?

* I was intrigued by a term used in Bill Hull's book Christlike: 'Uncomplicated Obedience.' He says our success as a Christian isn't rated by church attendance or even day-to-day behavior, but by simply whether we practice 'uncomplicated obedience.' Hmmm. That keeps it simple. And maybe we need to keep it that simple with our children . . .

* 1st_Things on Twitter reminds: "Kids of divorce and seperation need to socialize with other single parent kids" because of the empathy. They don't feel as alone or misunderstand. My observation of the point is that this is good, but not something to go over-board with.

* Whiteboard material: Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.-Peter Ustinov, Tweeted by @MarriageNFamily